[ Truthfully, Gorgug knows that Fabian won't hurt him. Even if he would deserve it, nothing about what Fabian has said or done leans into Gorgug believing Fabian would change his tune right about now. Maybe he'll touch him like he did earlier, or maybe that's just a tiny part of Gorgug that considers it because he wants it; or maybe he'll put a hand on his shoulder, some other small gesture that's not as intimate.
When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]
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When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
no subject
[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
no subject
[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]