[ Now Fabian is almost kind of glad that Gorgug isn't looking at him - because he can feel his own expression dropping the moment he witnesses his friend starting to cry again like that, and he doesn't want Gorgug to have to see that. It'd probably only make him feel worse, even if it's just an instinctive reaction on Fabian's part.
But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
[ Gorgug's sniffling, head down and swallowing against the rock in his throat, but the touch on his arm makes him turn to look at Fabian. Instinctively, though the words that his friend continues with, speak, does make him look away--not from shame (not this time), but so he can listen to him better. Because Fabian deserves that, even if there's heat on his cheeks and his eyes won't stop getting wet.
He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
[ There's a lot he feels like he could say or do here - make attempts to fix this thing between Gorgug and Riz, especially when he knows that all the two of them are doing is likely just feeling bad for the other's sake.
But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
[ Is he still tired? He is, to be honest; he's also a lot of other things, though it's as Fabian says: he isn't sure that sleeping will really fix anything.
But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
[ It's not like it's a strange fear on Gorgug's part. After all, he had practically passed out and nearly died back there during that final battle. He wouldn't know as definitely as Fabian does that the thing that possessed Gorgug and turned him to all of those things is gone now.
Not to mention that he just spent a month hurting everyone he cares about. He's only just today woken up and truly snapped out of it. It might be difficult to believe that everything is different now. Better.
Even though Gorgug isn't looking at him, Fabian makes sure to continue to smile, figuring it might be audible in his voice. ]
I don't believe you will. [ He sounds so confident about this. It's definitely some of that natural Fabian confidence - though there's more backing it up now than during his dumbest moments, when it just gets him into trouble. ] And I would like to prove it this way.
[ Because maybe Gorgug may not ever believe again that he can be around people without hurting them until there is someone around him. Until that kind of encounter goes well.
He lifts a hand to the other's face, helping him wipe away those tears from earlier a little bit. If not just as another kind of proof, the proof of the fact that-- ]
[ Gorgug's head tilts to the touch; not immediately looking at Fabian, but turning in the direction that he's coming from, frozen for a second afterwards. But after those few seconds, he does look up at Fabian--wishing right now that he was so much smaller, a feeling he hasn't had in him for so long. Before, wishing it so that he fit in better with everyone else around him: his schoolmates, his parents.
Now, this is different. Because if he was smaller, he wouldn't be as much of a problem. He wants to be someone different, someone who can't hurt, or be a problem. That if there's less of him, there's less for other people to be worried about.
He doesn't want to hurt Fabian, is what the wish truly is. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. ]
...okay. [ The agreement is small, mumbled. The thing about Fabian's reassurance is every other emotion that it swells inside of him, that he can feel the tears coming again. But Gorgug is shuffling, moving himself towards the wall that his bed is pressed against. ] I-if I do, I'm sorry, and-- tell Riz I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean anything.
[ The part of him that hesitated over apologies has gone away, and in its place is a surge of emotion, his back planted to the wall and his hands coming up to hide his face. For that reason, and so that he knows where they are; so he can grip his hair and feel like he has some sort of false control over them, just like he always did with the infection inside of him.
He breathes, trying to keep even this overwhelmed state of him calm. Because if he isn't calm, then he's angry. And if he's angry, then--it's over. It's all over. ]
[ It doesn't feel great at all to hear his friend say stuff like that. To see Gorgug so scared - despite his size. The other is curling up against the wall like he's trying to disappear, and Fabian can't only hope that staying next to Gorgug like this without anything happening will slowly desensitize the other to it all. That it will slowly make him believe that things are okay, even if they might not seem that way to Gorgug just yet.
So he moves to join the other in the bed, though in a much more calm way than Fabian usually would have - sometimes just having too much energy and too much dramatic flair at the same time. It's like Gorgug is a frightened animal he's trying really hard to not startle, holding a breath until he's actually lying down next to the other.
He rolls onto his side, Fabian's face turned towards Gorgug. Watching him. Watching those hands, the faint shake to him. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then speaks up again. ]
.. can I touch you?
[ Sure, he did it a moment ago without asking.
But he's pretty sure that with how bad Gorgug looks right now, the other might just flip out by accident if Fabian does as much as accidentally brush him, let alone outright touch him. So before he does what he wants to do, he should at least ask. ]
[ Fabian must think him a fool. With his hands in front of his face like a kid, Gorgug feels like it--that he's dumb, overreacting, and isn't there plenty about Gorgug that's wrong? But it doesn't make Gorgug bring his hands down; he's become too used to it when trying to sleep, or searching for moments where he can stop his mind from racing about every bad thing that he did. He only knows that Fabian's come beside him by the shifting weight of the bed, before it's quiet again.
Except for Gorgug's breathing. Heavy, hot. And then Fabian speaks up, with a request that could mean a few things, but- ]
Okay.
[ It doesn't matter how Fabian wants to touch him. He can if he wants to, with Gorgug's answered muffled by his palms, but otherwise clear. ]
[ There's no immediate touch after Gorgug answers. Instead Fabian takes a moment, like he's settling on the exact course of action he wants to take here, and then he does reach out. His hands land on the back of Gorgug's hands, the ones the other is still holding in front of his face, and one of Fabian's two hands moves to try and grab a gentle hold of Gorgug's hand. ]
It's alright. [ Fabian says, hoping so bad that it's even a little bit soothing. That Gorgug won't freak out at this much, even though Fabian is still moving to try and get them to gently hold hands. He'll lower their joint hands if Gorgug allows it at all, leaving the other hand in front of Gorgug's face for now.
[ Truthfully, Gorgug knows that Fabian won't hurt him. Even if he would deserve it, nothing about what Fabian has said or done leans into Gorgug believing Fabian would change his tune right about now. Maybe he'll touch him like he did earlier, or maybe that's just a tiny part of Gorgug that considers it because he wants it; or maybe he'll put a hand on his shoulder, some other small gesture that's not as intimate.
When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]
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But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
I feel the exact same way about you right now.
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He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
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But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
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But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
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Not to mention that he just spent a month hurting everyone he cares about. He's only just today woken up and truly snapped out of it. It might be difficult to believe that everything is different now. Better.
Even though Gorgug isn't looking at him, Fabian makes sure to continue to smile, figuring it might be audible in his voice. ]
I don't believe you will. [ He sounds so confident about this. It's definitely some of that natural Fabian confidence - though there's more backing it up now than during his dumbest moments, when it just gets him into trouble. ] And I would like to prove it this way.
[ Because maybe Gorgug may not ever believe again that he can be around people without hurting them until there is someone around him. Until that kind of encounter goes well.
He lifts a hand to the other's face, helping him wipe away those tears from earlier a little bit. If not just as another kind of proof, the proof of the fact that-- ]
I'm not scared of you. Not at all.
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Now, this is different. Because if he was smaller, he wouldn't be as much of a problem. He wants to be someone different, someone who can't hurt, or be a problem. That if there's less of him, there's less for other people to be worried about.
He doesn't want to hurt Fabian, is what the wish truly is. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. ]
...okay. [ The agreement is small, mumbled. The thing about Fabian's reassurance is every other emotion that it swells inside of him, that he can feel the tears coming again. But Gorgug is shuffling, moving himself towards the wall that his bed is pressed against. ] I-if I do, I'm sorry, and-- tell Riz I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean anything.
[ The part of him that hesitated over apologies has gone away, and in its place is a surge of emotion, his back planted to the wall and his hands coming up to hide his face. For that reason, and so that he knows where they are; so he can grip his hair and feel like he has some sort of false control over them, just like he always did with the infection inside of him.
He breathes, trying to keep even this overwhelmed state of him calm. Because if he isn't calm, then he's angry. And if he's angry, then--it's over. It's all over. ]
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So he moves to join the other in the bed, though in a much more calm way than Fabian usually would have - sometimes just having too much energy and too much dramatic flair at the same time. It's like Gorgug is a frightened animal he's trying really hard to not startle, holding a breath until he's actually lying down next to the other.
He rolls onto his side, Fabian's face turned towards Gorgug. Watching him. Watching those hands, the faint shake to him. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then speaks up again. ]
.. can I touch you?
[ Sure, he did it a moment ago without asking.
But he's pretty sure that with how bad Gorgug looks right now, the other might just flip out by accident if Fabian does as much as accidentally brush him, let alone outright touch him. So before he does what he wants to do, he should at least ask. ]
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Except for Gorgug's breathing. Heavy, hot. And then Fabian speaks up, with a request that could mean a few things, but- ]
Okay.
[ It doesn't matter how Fabian wants to touch him. He can if he wants to, with Gorgug's answered muffled by his palms, but otherwise clear. ]
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It's alright. [ Fabian says, hoping so bad that it's even a little bit soothing. That Gorgug won't freak out at this much, even though Fabian is still moving to try and get them to gently hold hands. He'll lower their joint hands if Gorgug allows it at all, leaving the other hand in front of Gorgug's face for now.
Better to not take this too fast. ]
See? [ They're touching. Gorgug isn't hurting him. ] It's alright.
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When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
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[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
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[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]