[ Fabian has absolutely no idea what Gorgug will say. He's not even thinking about it, especially after the first sentence or so - the rest of the words just spilling out in logical succession, like the tap has been opened and Fabian can't just close it again before it's all gotten out of there. It's only when Gorgug's voice reaches his ears that it draws Fabian enough out of his own thoughts to consider that Gorgug was still here, that he's got something to say about all this, and that it's..
That it's this.
Fabian blinks a little, still staring ahead at the wall at first.
The words feel strange. I didn't have them in the stuff I needed them, Gorgug says, and it feels weirdly relatable but not in the way Fabian expected. Mostly because he never stopped to think about the Thistlesprings. Sure, he knows Gorgug was adopted and all - he's pretty sure that was obvious to all of them way back in freshman year when he couldn't stop asking every single adult male he came across if they were his father - but they always seemed so.. happy. Whenever he saw Gorgug's parents, they always looked like they were doting on him, like they were trying their best for him, and Fabian never stopped to think that maybe it's deeper than that. That maybe all his friends saw whenever they met his mother or father was also just that. That they saw they loved him without all of the messiness that Fabian himself knows comes with that.
He was the same, wasn't he? He thought the same about Gorgug, and it only hits him now that of course the situation could be different for him too if it was also different for Fabian. Of course it was hard for him as someone struggling with a rage he didn't always seem to understand, and which his parents can't have understood well either when they never experienced it themselves, when they might have had trouble putting themselves into their adopted child's shoes.
It makes him finally turn to look at his friend again. There's something sad in his eye - a certain sympathy, a kinship. Partially due to the knowledge of just how hard it is when you don't have your parents in some corners you'd really like to have them, but also because those words after it hit him hard.
It doesn't feel right to even think about them. It's okay to be pissed at our parents. Is it really? Even with everything else, Fabian knows his parents love him. Gorgug must be the same. Can they then really sit here and say this about them? It brings up a weird sense of guilt, a weird sense of shame, but.. at least it's shared. ]
I.. [ His voice feels so weirdly raw. Fabian swallows, and if Gorgug looks over, he'll be able to see that Fabian is tearing up, yet looking like he's fighting the tears in his eye. ] I wish she stayed, Gorgug.
[ It feels awful to admit.
But he is admitting it. Just to Gorgug. Just in this empty hallway, with the two of them and no one else.
He wanted her to be there. To comfort him after the entire deal with the Night Yorb. To attend his games. To see how much better he was getting at dancing, and how much the kids at school looked up to him. To see that he really did try to be a great man, just like his papa but in his own way - just like she asked him to be.
And maybe this isn't part of that. Sitting here, talking about this, confessing all these vulnerable things that make him Fabian, just a teenager, just a child-- they're not part of being a great man of any kind.
But he can't help it. Gorgug it making it feel.. safe. ]
[ It doesn't sit right, between them. This idea--this concept--of holding something against their parents that they never possibly thought about, or had the ability to conceptualise. It's unfair, Gorgug knows it's unfair, because he's thought about it for a long, long time: the things he's wanted from his parents that they could never help with. The guilt of that longing, the anger that bubbled in him, and even how he wished they would get angry at him, and then his second-guessing, how he doesn't want anyone angry at him, he just wants--
He just wants to be understood.
Don't they both want to be understood?
And right now, right here, in this hospital hallway, he and Fabian only have each other: there's no parents to speak to, there's only Fabian admitting his truth, and Gorgug nods at him, reassuring, and he understands, gaze gentle on the one eye looking back at him.
Before Gorgug leans over, and he wraps his arms around Fabian's shoulders, and hugs him for as much the reason to give him comfort as he does privacy for the emotion that was glinting off the artificial lighting. His head tilts in close to Fabian's, and he says, voice full of agreement, ]
You shouldn't have been alone. [ ... ] She should've stayed.
[ It stings. He can feel the tears in his eye, and it stings so bad. It's like it hurts more with every passing moment where he holds back the tears, even as he's dragged into Gorgug's embrace. Even as he allows that movement to happen, not protesting it in the slightest. Not resisting. One moment he's just sitting, and the next he's leaning against Gorgug.
It's.. kind of warm. Gorgug is closer than expected, especially when he can hear the other's voice suddenly so close to one of his ears. Even though Fabian has done a whole lot of physical contact over the past while - both back home and in this place - it feels like this is the most intense physical contact that didn't involve battle of some kind he's had in.. well, a long time. Maybe even since the last time he hugged Gorgug, that time when they went through a very different, yet still equally upsetting time.
Fabian remembers that feeling. He remembers how terrified he had been in the forest, terrified even when he decided to accept his fate in order to be able to save his friends. He remembers the relief in holding Gorgug after that, clinging to the half-orc like he hadn't seen the other in a century.
His hands slowly rise. His body turns to fit into the hug a little better, rather than making the way they lean against each other all awkward. He wraps his arms around his friend as well, shifting his head until it's buried against the other's hoodie. ]
You-- You too.
[ He managed to force out, sounding oddly choked up and half-muffled against Gorgug's clothes. ]
You should've had someone who.. understood. You should've had more help.
[ Not that the Thistlesprings didn't likely do everything they could, but that's the difficult part of it, right? Sometimes people love you, and it's still not enough.
Fabian's tone shifts, to a point where it's pretty obvious he's crying now, even if it's clinging to Gorgug enough to hide his face. ]
.. It's stupid. I thought it-- that it'd all get easier with time. [ And yet it feels like it gets harder every single year. For him, anyway. But with how stressed out Gorgug has seemed - and how so much of that revolved around his rage too, once more - maybe it counts for the both of them. ]
[ As much as Gorgug can appreciate the sentiment, this isn't about him, right now, he thinks. His feelings about his parents isn't what has one of them breaking down in a hospital hallway right now, though they've still been useful in making a connection. Gorgug doesn't mind sharing it with Fabian, and he doesn't mind holding him now, feeling how his body moves--how he breathes--against him.
He's not going to draw attention to his tears. Gorgug is going to keep those tears with him, straight to his grave, whenever that is. ]
You haven't had time. [ Isn't that the problem? Things getting easier with time surely means having something to help heal the wound, when--there's none of that here. There's nothing Fabian's been able to do to address it. ]
I found...I dealt with my problems over years. Your mom's still on her trip. You should... you should talk to her when you see her again. [ That might be difficult--maybe Fabian wanted nothing more than to keep it in and bury it, and never deal with it like a man should, but Gorgug squeezes his arms as he says it, as if to shut off any protests. Reassuring, reminding Fabian: ] It's not stupid--you're her family. You're still her family.
[ And that should count for a lot. If not, then Fabian's mom doesn't deserve him. She's not a good mom, and that's that. ]
[ That's the problem. Fabian wants to protest. The squeeze manages to soothe him a little, keep him quiet for a few more moments, but it feels so hard to say that sure, he'll do it. Especially because he doesn't want to say that if he doesn't truly intend on doing it. Maybe he would have in another situation, but.. all of this is too serious. He owes it to Gorgug to at least be serious about it if he says that.
And he's not sure he can be.
He shakes his head - something that Gorgug will likely feel more than he'll see, given their current close proximity. ]
I don't want to.
[ So he's honest. Even though it's not really an answer that helps his friend, or his kind attempt at helping Fabian - he doesn't want to lie either. ]
When she gets back, she's going to be busy with her and Gilear's wedding. And maybe she'll be pregnant already. She'll have so much to think about, and I-- I can't be part of that. [ He has to be better than that. Stronger than that. Isn't that how he was raised?
His parents would expect better of him, surely. ]
She only just got sober after papa died. I don't want to ruin that and set everything back by causing trouble.
[ It's fascinating in a not-so-great way - the way Fabian will hype himself up everywhere he goes, and yet he seems determined to be as unobtrusive of an entry in his own parents' lives, judging by how he's speaking right now. ]
[ I can't be part of that, Fabian says, and he might as well be saying, I can't be a part of my family.
And that hurts. It hurts Gorgug, to hear Fabian say that, and to have it come after admitting he doesn't want to speak to his own mom, and why does it have to be that way? This isn't something that Gorgug thinks he can convince of Fabian right here. To be honest, he thinks he would go directly to the mother in question if they were back in Spyre, because surely--surely she would want to know. Surely she's not that bad of a mother, and Gorgug has never thought her bad, but he just doesn't know her. ]
...Okay. [ It's not okay. He wants to protest, to demand, but there's a struggle in if he's missing some bigger part of the picture that makes Grogug reluctant. Hesitant. Still, slowly, he moves back enough just so he can look Fabian in the face His head bent, arms still hanging somewhere over his shoulders. ]
I don't really believe your mom would think that, or Gilear--but I know I can't do anything to prove that. [ Briefly, he looks down at the space between them. ] So, instead... I'm sorry you've been this alone and I never noticed it, back in Spyre. I think, whatever happens, you can tell me how you're feeling, and it won't be any trouble to me. I know we haven't talked a lot about anything except the dead god and the murders and everything...
[ He slips one of his arms down, and holds out a fist. ]
But we're a team. If you need someone--we're all here. I'm here.
[ That's the thing, isn't it? It's not even that Fabian believes his mother would think that, not necessarily. If he told her that he was feeling this way, he's pretty sure she'd fuss over him. That she'd call him her little poppet, and give him kisses on the forehead. The problem is so much more that everything feels so delicate with them having been gone so long, and so much changing in his family all at once, and it feels like doing the wrong thing has such a big chance of making it all tumble down.
It feels too difficult to explain though. And since Gorgug is moving on, it feels easier to just go along with that. It's hard enough to talk about these things as-is, and with Gorgug pulling back a little, Fabian raises a hand to violently rub at his eye, like he's trying to stop his own tears. ]
You're busy though. [ He manages to say. ] I know you've been.
[ That's the reason no one has been around. Everyone is just-- just busy. And Fabian has been trying really hard to respect that, no matter how much being all alone hurt. ]
And I know you're worried about that even here. [ It's not like he hasn't noticed. Gorgug may have been here for a shorter time than all of them, but Fabian has seen him fuss over the idea of being here rather than back home, and all the school work he could be missing out on. School work Gorgug will need. ] I know you have to focus on that, since you want to go to college.
[ And if that means there's no space left for Fabian, then-- well, there just isn't.
He's learned at a young age that sometimes there just isn't space for you between the interests of your parents other people. ]
[ He has been focusing on artificing, on schoolwork that he must be missing, his change of environments not letting him lose that hovering dread of failing everything, failing his dreams. It's carried over, and--it's important to him. Even if they're not at school, he wants to do good. He wants to make himself proud of his achievements, and the potential for shit going bad has made it easy to tell himself to keep studying.
There is a Gorgug that wants to go college. But he drops his gaze to his fist, his expression complicated, furrowing in that deeply concentrated way that comes easily to Gorgug as he looks back at Fabian. The fist lowers, rested against his leg. ]
College isn't here. If we don't do what we have to here, there won't be a college. [ There won't be a home, he doesn't say. There won't be anyone. ]
But you're here. And I don't want to be...a bad friend. [ Isn't this what this is? Being a bad friend. ] You and the others are all I have here. You're--
[ Important? Special? My friend? What else defines those things better? It's not you, it's-- ]
[ Fabian raises his gaze to look at the other. Despite the fact that he's still looking a little bit like a mess - his one eye red from crying, the stains still visible on his cheeks despite his best efforts to wipe away the tears, his shirt still as dirty as it had been when Gorgug first spotted him with the baby earlier today..
Despite it all, he's smiling a little bit. It's a sad smile, but it's the sadness visible in it that keeps it from looking fake. However sad this smile looks, it's a real smile all the same. ]
You were never a bad friend.
[ Not that Gorgug is necessarily assuming he was, but Fabian just wants to reassure him. He doesn't think the other could be a bad friend even if he'd try. Gorgug is always thinking about everyone around him - he was thinking about all of them even back in the Nightmare Forest, back when all of them seemed at their lowest lows.
And Fabian doesn't blame him for his loneliness. He doesn't blame any of the Bad Kids. He doesn't blame his mother, he doesn't blame Gilear.. (Well, maybe he blames Gilear just a little bit. Because it's Gilear.) It's a weird thing - feeling so hurt, but not blaming anyone but yourself for it, despite the isolation and the loneliness not necessarily being created by you in the first place. ]
But.. If you do have some time to spend with me here.. [ His voice trails off for a moment. Asking for this feels weird after Fabian spent months denying himself this. Telling himself over and over that it was better, that he could think of ways to keep himself occupied, that it was his problem and no one else's.
But now Gorgug already saw him stupidly cry over it, it feels a little easier, weirdly enough. Not entirely easy, but.. easier. ]
[ He is glad to hear that--You're not a bad friend. Even if Gorgug thinks he can be a better friend, or maybe: there's a way for all of them to be better friends. To have them check in with one another once in a while, to know where their heads are at.
Good in theory. Who knows how it will turn out in practice? But Gorgug appreciates this opportunity before him, even with the tears that have been shed, the pain that has come with them. A chance for Fabian to be less alone, and there's a lot of ways that can look (a constant sleepover pile is probably not it, but the spirit of it? sure)--but they can figure that out later.
For now, he's smiling at Fabian, feeling easier around the shoulders. ]
Yeah. I can come over when you get home and go before the curfew. [ Because of the family...restrictions. ] You've got more room. I can leave my projects with you.
[ So it makes sense, doesn't it? For Gorgug to be over at Fabian's, over and over.
But his smile does drop at a thought, and his expression becomes more...wince-like. ]
...and I'll, I can-- I'll figure out how to help with the baby.
[ Even if he's ready for Fabian to say he doesn't need to, and--fair enough, honestly. It's okay. He won't take it (that) personally. ]
[ Gorgug is definitely assuming the right thing here. Fabian doesn't mind the idea of Gorgug coming over at all for very obvious reasons, and Gorgug leaving the stuff he's working on at Fabian's place makes even more sense when Gorgug has to share his house with way more people than Fabian. Considering these houses in this weird town are practically all the same, it leaves Fabian's house with way more extra space. He could easily give Gorgug an entire room to leave his projects in and work on them.
But the part that follows - the very reason they're sitting here in this weird hospital hallway in the first place - is what turns Fabian's facial expression a little bit more complicated as well. ]
Are you sure?
[ Their initial attempt was.. not a great success, after all.
And he doesn't really imagine Gorgug as the baby type. Hell, Fabian himself isn't even really the baby type, it's just that the idea of abandoning even this very fake baby leaves a nasty aftertaste in his mouth between all his various complexes.
But does he really need to involve his friend in that? Especially if-- ]
If you don't want to, that's fine. I get that it's.. [ His voice trails off for a moment, sounding a little awkward, despite having clued Gorgug much more in than most people as to why Fabian is bothering to care about this baby in the first place. ] .. It's probably weird.
[ But it's definitely weird because Gorgug ripped a limb off, right.
He's definitely grimacing at that thought and the concern, and--okay. He said he'd learn to figure out babies, but before he does.... ]
You change the baby, and I'll, um-- I'll do the milk next time. [ Cann he get milk wrong? He's not sure if it's possible to get milk wrong. ] Did it come with a manual? I can read the manual, or I'll look something up in the library.
[ Why not, Fabian!! He's already turning into a nerd about everything else!! Let him become a nerd over a fake baby! ]
Then he closes it again. Close to baffled, but not fully there. ]
Gorgug, you-- you know that babies don't usually come with manuals, right?
[ Granted, he could just be thinking it since it's a fake baby and all.. But Fabian is pretty sure even fake babies aren't supposed to come with manuals when this place is trying so hard to pretend to be a normal city with normal people living in it for some reason. Of course they would also pretend that the babies are totally normal, despite them clearly being fake. ]
I think I.. [ .. He went to 'I' by default, but then presses his lips together. Waffles, hesitates, still adjusting, but then tries: ] .. I think we will just have to figure it out.
[ The words still sit within him a little uneasily, as new as they are, but-- Fabian truly is trying here, Gorgug. Trying to internalize what you've told him. ]
[ Honestly rude that the fake baby doesn't come with a manual?? That's just common decency!!! ]
...I'll look in the library. [ Look. This is still an option. If they can't have a manual, there's sure to be something in their library. Gorgug's been nicking taking out all kinds of books in there!!! He just never thought to look up baby handling 101.
Until now. ]
I mean, there's gotta be something. What if you've never been around a baby? I haven't really been around babies before, 'cept passing them on the street.
I'll ask some people too. Actually, I already asked a guy to give me tips. He's letting me visit him later to see his baby.
[ Speaking of!! Listen how seriously he's trying to take this (so he doesn't pull an arm off again!!!) ]
[ There's so much he could say here, especially in regards to the manual stuff. Fabian wants to say that this place never intended to help them out - it's just never that useful. Even if Fabian has no idea why them suffering not knowing how to take care of babies would be beneficial to this place or who is in control of it, there has to be a reason as to why it is making them feel so helpless. It seems weirdly purposeful.
But he's tired. After throwing all this emotion out here, and after all the turmoil that came before it - he's too tired to get into it, especially when Fabian is already sure his friend understands it anyway. ]
.. thanks.
[ That feels better to say. Because thinking of this place only makes him frown and feel bad, but thinking about Gorgug's sweet, genuine effort at least does put a smile on Fabian's face as he looks at his friend. ]
I am, uh.. [ He hesitates a little, but then decides to let go of that hesitancy, to just fully trust Gorgug here. ] I am slightly tired though after all this.
[ Slightly is an understatement, judging by the way Fabian looks right now. It's practically the same way he looked after the whole deal with the Night Yorb. ]
Would I mind if I napped on you for a little bit? [ Not like they haven't done it before, all of them curled up together in the little space the Hangvan had for all their bodies. ] Just until they are done with the baby.
[ The request isn't weird at all. Gorgug even starts, without thinking: ]
Do you wanna sit on-- um, [ actually, you know what, ] --yeah, sure, you can nap.
[ You know what? He actually thought. He thought and decided 'do you wanna sit on my lap' was a bad thing to ask a guy friend, or maybe most friends, that are not Fig, and he's willing to draw as much attention away from what he was beginning to say to what his actual answer was: by bringing an arm back around Fabian's shoulders, ready to tuck him in closer to himself once Fabian shuffles himself in whatever direction he pleases. Gorgug's angled on the chair, but he'll put up with that. It's not uncomfortable. ]
Fig says I'm comfortable.
[ And he hopes he is now, offering his arm like he is like a sort of ineffectual blanket. Or a blanket solely for one's shoulders. ]
[ Of course Fabian has no idea what Gorgug was about to say. It probably wasn't all that important if he's pivoting to the answer to the question instead so quickly - and when Gorgug is already giving Fabian the perfect spot here. There's apparently no shame about a bro practically cuddling up against a bro's side here, since Fabian scoots even closer until he's practically tucked himself against Gorgug's side.
It feels kind of nice. Especially since going from the situation in the Hangvan during their Night Yorb chase - months of sleeping together in a pile - to sleeping entirely by himself in a way too big house was a little bit too much at once. Feeling something warm against him as he sleeps reminds him of better times than the emptiness. ]
I think Fig is biased. [ He can't help but say, but a moment later he's already closing his eye once he's gotten comfortable enough. ] .. though she might not be entirely wrong.
[ Fabian feels more comfortable than he expected to, anyway. It really does feel kind of nice. Maybe Fig was onto something here. ]
[ Sleep out together with pals, both on school trips and on gigs, and you don't really care that much about someone cuddling up with you. There's not much to personal space anyway, when you're friends with Kristen and Fig; and Gorgug doesn't mind it, really, after getting over the fact that people would want to be close to him.
It's one of the many nice things about being part of the Bad Kids, where his presence isn't a deterrent but a comfort. He can't say that's always been a factor for him growing up. ]
She's right when she's right.
[ It's softly said, a fondness present that if Fabian isn't too tired, he might be able to catch a wistful note than just a simply friendly remark; but Gorgug is tipping his head above Fabian's, resting his cheek on the top of the head below him. Truly, there is no shame in cuddling up to a bro.
But there's no need to anything more to be said, unless it comes from Fabian. He wants to rest, sleep, and Gorgug will give him that, being sure to keep an eye out in the hall for any bots that might come with a baby in tow. ]
Mostly because it doesn't take all that long before Fabian has fallen asleep. Something that is for once not just marked by the fact he's silent - because he had already been more quiet than the usual while stuck in the middle of his emotions here - but more the fact that his body seems to still, his breathing audibly and visibly slowing until it's obvious that he's fallen asleep, as curled up against Gorgug's side as he is. His head resting against the other's body, Fabian's own body twisted so as to try and get as much physical contact going on here, like a cat trying to sap your body warmth.
He doesn't even stir anymore, apparently as content as can be in his current napping position. ]
[ It's easy enough not to move. The position is comfortable, and the physical contact, soft as it is--it's nice to Gorgug, even if this is about Fabian. He listens out for sounds of activity, but the hallway is quiet, eerily so for what it is (Gorgug's never been to hospitals much growing up, but he knows what they're meant to sound like, but also a relief: there's nothing for him to worry about, nothing to be on edge for.
Only the sounds of anything passing, or approaching. Gorgug lets his own eyes flutter closed for a while, but he doesn't fall asleep like Fabian does. He listens to the sound of the other's breathing, for no better reason than because it's too close to ignore it.
If Fabian's a light enough sleeper, then he might know when his baby is ready. When the companion bot appears to them, Gorgug can't stop them speaking in a volume that's not loud, but neither cares for Fabian's current state, but Gorgug's careful to set Fabian to rest back in his seat, to try and worm him off from his shoulder so that he can turn to the bot himself, speak hushed but hurriedly to take the baby robot for him, sit it huddled up in his arms.
There's no time for panic this time. At least, not about the baby. But if Fabian hasn't woken yet, then-- it's a few seconds more (where Gorgug considers if to let Fabian sleep a little longer) before there's a voice to try and do that, a knee nudging his knee. ]
Hey, Fabian.... Fabian.
[ There is a Gorgug holding your precious baby.....with all limbs attached inside the bundle of its blanket. ]
[ Regardless of whether Fabian is a light or a deep sleeper, it seems that right now he's not waking up regardless. It's much more likely that said fact can be attributed to the fact that he really has not been sleeping a whole lot in this place with the baby constantly crying and waking him up - which means this might be the first time in days that he's been able to properly close his eyes for a few moments.
And his brain truly is taking that opportunity to just.. zone out completely. Trying to get all the rest it has been missing out on, considering it only now feels safe to turn his brain off like this. Even when Fabian is finally slowly waking up at the nudge, his body only slowly starts to register the fact that some of the warmth and safety from before is gone.
.. not that Fabian thinks about this very consciously. It's all happening somewhere in the back of his brain. In the front of his brain is instead activity about what he's seeing - something that surprises him enough to half-sleepily shift up in his seat, blinking a few times before widening his eyes. ]
Your baby is fine, [ speaks the companion bot in response to Fabian. ] Please be careful in the future with how you treat it.
[ It's a soft reprimand, at the very least, and that's good--even if Gorgug would hold his temper for Fabian's sake, his friend doesn't need to be admonished for his mistake. Which, speaking of: ]
It was my fault, [ he mumbles out, being as still as still can be while with the baby bot in his arms. ] Do you wanna take it...?
[ The bot continues to stand there, as if to observe the pair for a while longer before making its leave. As if judging something, but who can say. Gorgug's focusing on Fabian currently, waiting on his sleepy state, and also how he might be feeling.
There's no need to rush, and he even reassures, ] It looks fine.
All damage to its limb has been fixed, [ adds the bot. ] However, we did note levels of distress before the accident. We recommend paying closer attention to your baby's needs You-- [ it turns to Gorgug ] --or whoever is watching over it.
[ Even though the companion bot is right there, it seems like all of Fabian's attention is just focused on Gorgug and the baby for now as his brain is slowly starting to kick back into gear. He reaches out to gently take the baby from Gorgug, holding it in his own hands instead, giving his friend a quiet little: ]
Thanks.
[ Something about it sounds a little nervous - maybe because he's worried about breaking the baby too, or maybe because of the presence of the companion bot - but there is still something genuinely grateful in it, something that lingers between them for a moment before the bot speaks up again.
That is the part that full on makes Fabian wince. He kind of looks like a flower that's slowly wilting on the spot under the criticism. It's not like the bot is telling him something he didn't already know, but thinking you've fucked up is one thing, and a robot coming to tell you as much is another.
Maybe it's why he doesn't dare to look directly at the robot, instead just looking at his friend. ]
I-- I will.
[ Bro, look at that.. You spent so much effort on making the homie feel better, and now he looks absolutely bullied in the face of the companion bot.. ]
[ The nervous energy coming from Fabian is near palpable; as if it needs to be with the way it seeps into his voice, his body shifting under the chiding of the bot. Gorgug knows what it's like to be in this position, and he should feel sympathetic for his friend, except--
Except anger threatens to rise up in him, and his mild expression turns flat as it faces it to the companion bot. His voice dull in the droning way of an unimpressed teen, as he tells him flatly: ] You can go now.
[ The bot looks from Fabian to Gorgug, and while there's nothing to show in their face, no indication they were about to speak-- ] Bye.
[ That's not italics for the bot. It's for the emphasis of that bye, a tone of You should leave that's threatening. Fortunately, it's not one that seems to get Gorgug in trouble where, wordlessly, the companion bot leaves them by walking back the way it came.
...Not really appearing affected by Gorgug's cunty dismissal, but Gorgug feels pleased to see the back of them anyway, huffing, a glean flashing over his eyes like it does when he's in one of his rages.
Or just feeling particularly emboldened. Which has been happening a lot more in the last year. ]
[ Considering he was already looking at Gorgug to start with, Fabian sees every single part of the expression that crosses over his friend's face. It's not even anything he hasn't seen from Gorgug before - especially lately, with how busy he's been with school and with how done it has made him with everything that comes between him and that - but it's not really like it's ever been turned in this direction before. It's never really been for the sake of Fabian's defense.
He's never needed it, after all. Fabian has always made sure to never look like he'd need that sort of thing, but.. well, there's only so long he can keep that up when life knocks him this hard back down. It's just like after what happened on Leviathan. At some point he just can't keep it up anymore, but the last time he crumbled, Gorgug brought him oranges and small, gentle gestures.
This time he's bringing something more fierce.
.. Fabian doesn't mind. Something about it feels.. kind of nice, actually.
It's why he moves the baby a little until he's confidently holding it with the little baby head supported by the crook of his elbow, and only then uses his now-free other arm to put a gentle hand on top of Gorgug's arm.
If Gorgug looks at him, he'll see Fabian smiling. Thinly, nothing as wild as Fabian's smiles can sometimes get, but it's very genuine all the same. ]
Thanks. [ For that just now, but maybe just-- for everything. It doesn't even matter that Gorgug broke the arm in the first place. The problem still started because of Fabian being unable to handle this situation. ] It's easier because you're here.
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That it's this.
Fabian blinks a little, still staring ahead at the wall at first.
The words feel strange. I didn't have them in the stuff I needed them, Gorgug says, and it feels weirdly relatable but not in the way Fabian expected. Mostly because he never stopped to think about the Thistlesprings. Sure, he knows Gorgug was adopted and all - he's pretty sure that was obvious to all of them way back in freshman year when he couldn't stop asking every single adult male he came across if they were his father - but they always seemed so.. happy. Whenever he saw Gorgug's parents, they always looked like they were doting on him, like they were trying their best for him, and Fabian never stopped to think that maybe it's deeper than that. That maybe all his friends saw whenever they met his mother or father was also just that. That they saw they loved him without all of the messiness that Fabian himself knows comes with that.
He was the same, wasn't he? He thought the same about Gorgug, and it only hits him now that of course the situation could be different for him too if it was also different for Fabian. Of course it was hard for him as someone struggling with a rage he didn't always seem to understand, and which his parents can't have understood well either when they never experienced it themselves, when they might have had trouble putting themselves into their adopted child's shoes.
It makes him finally turn to look at his friend again. There's something sad in his eye - a certain sympathy, a kinship. Partially due to the knowledge of just how hard it is when you don't have your parents in some corners you'd really like to have them, but also because those words after it hit him hard.
It doesn't feel right to even think about them. It's okay to be pissed at our parents. Is it really? Even with everything else, Fabian knows his parents love him. Gorgug must be the same. Can they then really sit here and say this about them? It brings up a weird sense of guilt, a weird sense of shame, but.. at least it's shared. ]
I.. [ His voice feels so weirdly raw. Fabian swallows, and if Gorgug looks over, he'll be able to see that Fabian is tearing up, yet looking like he's fighting the tears in his eye. ] I wish she stayed, Gorgug.
[ It feels awful to admit.
But he is admitting it. Just to Gorgug. Just in this empty hallway, with the two of them and no one else.
He wanted her to be there. To comfort him after the entire deal with the Night Yorb. To attend his games. To see how much better he was getting at dancing, and how much the kids at school looked up to him. To see that he really did try to be a great man, just like his papa but in his own way - just like she asked him to be.
And maybe this isn't part of that. Sitting here, talking about this, confessing all these vulnerable things that make him Fabian, just a teenager, just a child-- they're not part of being a great man of any kind.
But he can't help it. Gorgug it making it feel.. safe. ]
I didn't want to be alone.
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He just wants to be understood.
Don't they both want to be understood?
And right now, right here, in this hospital hallway, he and Fabian only have each other: there's no parents to speak to, there's only Fabian admitting his truth, and Gorgug nods at him, reassuring, and he understands, gaze gentle on the one eye looking back at him.
Before Gorgug leans over, and he wraps his arms around Fabian's shoulders, and hugs him for as much the reason to give him comfort as he does privacy for the emotion that was glinting off the artificial lighting. His head tilts in close to Fabian's, and he says, voice full of agreement, ]
You shouldn't have been alone. [ ... ] She should've stayed.
[ It's the least that any mother can do. ]
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It's.. kind of warm. Gorgug is closer than expected, especially when he can hear the other's voice suddenly so close to one of his ears. Even though Fabian has done a whole lot of physical contact over the past while - both back home and in this place - it feels like this is the most intense physical contact that didn't involve battle of some kind he's had in.. well, a long time. Maybe even since the last time he hugged Gorgug, that time when they went through a very different, yet still equally upsetting time.
Fabian remembers that feeling. He remembers how terrified he had been in the forest, terrified even when he decided to accept his fate in order to be able to save his friends. He remembers the relief in holding Gorgug after that, clinging to the half-orc like he hadn't seen the other in a century.
His hands slowly rise. His body turns to fit into the hug a little better, rather than making the way they lean against each other all awkward. He wraps his arms around his friend as well, shifting his head until it's buried against the other's hoodie. ]
You-- You too.
[ He managed to force out, sounding oddly choked up and half-muffled against Gorgug's clothes. ]
You should've had someone who.. understood. You should've had more help.
[ Not that the Thistlesprings didn't likely do everything they could, but that's the difficult part of it, right? Sometimes people love you, and it's still not enough.
Fabian's tone shifts, to a point where it's pretty obvious he's crying now, even if it's clinging to Gorgug enough to hide his face. ]
.. It's stupid. I thought it-- that it'd all get easier with time. [ And yet it feels like it gets harder every single year. For him, anyway. But with how stressed out Gorgug has seemed - and how so much of that revolved around his rage too, once more - maybe it counts for the both of them. ]
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He's not going to draw attention to his tears. Gorgug is going to keep those tears with him, straight to his grave, whenever that is. ]
You haven't had time. [ Isn't that the problem? Things getting easier with time surely means having something to help heal the wound, when--there's none of that here. There's nothing Fabian's been able to do to address it. ]
I found...I dealt with my problems over years. Your mom's still on her trip. You should... you should talk to her when you see her again. [ That might be difficult--maybe Fabian wanted nothing more than to keep it in and bury it, and never deal with it like a man should, but Gorgug squeezes his arms as he says it, as if to shut off any protests. Reassuring, reminding Fabian: ] It's not stupid--you're her family. You're still her family.
[ And that should count for a lot. If not, then Fabian's mom doesn't deserve him. She's not a good mom, and that's that. ]
cw: mention of alcoholism
And he's not sure he can be.
He shakes his head - something that Gorgug will likely feel more than he'll see, given their current close proximity. ]
I don't want to.
[ So he's honest. Even though it's not really an answer that helps his friend, or his kind attempt at helping Fabian - he doesn't want to lie either. ]
When she gets back, she's going to be busy with her and Gilear's wedding. And maybe she'll be pregnant already. She'll have so much to think about, and I-- I can't be part of that. [ He has to be better than that. Stronger than that. Isn't that how he was raised?
His parents would expect better of him, surely. ]
She only just got sober after papa died. I don't want to ruin that and set everything back by causing trouble.
[ It's fascinating in a not-so-great way - the way Fabian will hype himself up everywhere he goes, and yet he seems determined to be as unobtrusive of an entry in his own parents' lives, judging by how he's speaking right now. ]
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And that hurts. It hurts Gorgug, to hear Fabian say that, and to have it come after admitting he doesn't want to speak to his own mom, and why does it have to be that way? This isn't something that Gorgug thinks he can convince of Fabian right here. To be honest, he thinks he would go directly to the mother in question if they were back in Spyre, because surely--surely she would want to know. Surely she's not that bad of a mother, and Gorgug has never thought her bad, but he just doesn't know her. ]
...Okay. [ It's not okay. He wants to protest, to demand, but there's a struggle in if he's missing some bigger part of the picture that makes Grogug reluctant. Hesitant. Still, slowly, he moves back enough just so he can look Fabian in the face His head bent, arms still hanging somewhere over his shoulders. ]
I don't really believe your mom would think that, or Gilear--but I know I can't do anything to prove that. [ Briefly, he looks down at the space between them. ] So, instead... I'm sorry you've been this alone and I never noticed it, back in Spyre. I think, whatever happens, you can tell me how you're feeling, and it won't be any trouble to me. I know we haven't talked a lot about anything except the dead god and the murders and everything...
[ He slips one of his arms down, and holds out a fist. ]
But we're a team. If you need someone--we're all here. I'm here.
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It feels too difficult to explain though. And since Gorgug is moving on, it feels easier to just go along with that. It's hard enough to talk about these things as-is, and with Gorgug pulling back a little, Fabian raises a hand to violently rub at his eye, like he's trying to stop his own tears. ]
You're busy though. [ He manages to say. ] I know you've been.
[ That's the reason no one has been around. Everyone is just-- just busy. And Fabian has been trying really hard to respect that, no matter how much being all alone hurt. ]
And I know you're worried about that even here. [ It's not like he hasn't noticed. Gorgug may have been here for a shorter time than all of them, but Fabian has seen him fuss over the idea of being here rather than back home, and all the school work he could be missing out on. School work Gorgug will need. ] I know you have to focus on that, since you want to go to college.
[ And if that means there's no space left for Fabian, then-- well, there just isn't.
He's learned at a young age that sometimes there just isn't space for you between the interests of
your parentsother people. ]no subject
There is a Gorgug that wants to go college. But he drops his gaze to his fist, his expression complicated, furrowing in that deeply concentrated way that comes easily to Gorgug as he looks back at Fabian. The fist lowers, rested against his leg. ]
College isn't here. If we don't do what we have to here, there won't be a college. [ There won't be a home, he doesn't say. There won't be anyone. ]
But you're here. And I don't want to be...a bad friend. [ Isn't this what this is? Being a bad friend. ] You and the others are all I have here. You're--
[ Important? Special? My friend? What else defines those things better? It's not you, it's-- ]
--we're the Bad Kids.
[ We're a team. ]
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Despite it all, he's smiling a little bit. It's a sad smile, but it's the sadness visible in it that keeps it from looking fake. However sad this smile looks, it's a real smile all the same. ]
You were never a bad friend.
[ Not that Gorgug is necessarily assuming he was, but Fabian just wants to reassure him. He doesn't think the other could be a bad friend even if he'd try. Gorgug is always thinking about everyone around him - he was thinking about all of them even back in the Nightmare Forest, back when all of them seemed at their lowest lows.
And Fabian doesn't blame him for his loneliness. He doesn't blame any of the Bad Kids. He doesn't blame his mother, he doesn't blame Gilear.. (Well, maybe he blames Gilear just a little bit. Because it's Gilear.) It's a weird thing - feeling so hurt, but not blaming anyone but yourself for it, despite the isolation and the loneliness not necessarily being created by you in the first place. ]
But.. If you do have some time to spend with me here.. [ His voice trails off for a moment. Asking for this feels weird after Fabian spent months denying himself this. Telling himself over and over that it was better, that he could think of ways to keep himself occupied, that it was his problem and no one else's.
But now Gorgug already saw him stupidly cry over it, it feels a little easier, weirdly enough. Not entirely easy, but.. easier. ]
.. I would appreciate that.
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Good in theory. Who knows how it will turn out in practice? But Gorgug appreciates this opportunity before him, even with the tears that have been shed, the pain that has come with them. A chance for Fabian to be less alone, and there's a lot of ways that can look (a constant sleepover pile is probably not it, but the spirit of it? sure)--but they can figure that out later.
For now, he's smiling at Fabian, feeling easier around the shoulders. ]
Yeah. I can come over when you get home and go before the curfew. [ Because of the family...restrictions. ] You've got more room. I can leave my projects with you.
[ So it makes sense, doesn't it? For Gorgug to be over at Fabian's, over and over.
But his smile does drop at a thought, and his expression becomes more...wince-like. ]
...and I'll, I can-- I'll figure out how to help with the baby.
[ Even if he's ready for Fabian to say he doesn't need to, and--fair enough, honestly. It's okay. He won't take it (that) personally. ]
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But the part that follows - the very reason they're sitting here in this weird hospital hallway in the first place - is what turns Fabian's facial expression a little bit more complicated as well. ]
Are you sure?
[ Their initial attempt was.. not a great success, after all.
And he doesn't really imagine Gorgug as the baby type. Hell, Fabian himself isn't even really the baby type, it's just that the idea of abandoning even this very fake baby leaves a nasty aftertaste in his mouth between all his various complexes.
But does he really need to involve his friend in that? Especially if-- ]
If you don't want to, that's fine. I get that it's.. [ His voice trails off for a moment, sounding a little awkward, despite having clued Gorgug much more in than most people as to why Fabian is bothering to care about this baby in the first place. ] .. It's probably weird.
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He's definitely grimacing at that thought and the concern, and--okay. He said he'd learn to figure out babies, but before he does.... ]
You change the baby, and I'll, um-- I'll do the milk next time. [ Cann he get milk wrong? He's not sure if it's possible to get milk wrong. ] Did it come with a manual? I can read the manual, or I'll look something up in the library.
[ Why not, Fabian!! He's already turning into a nerd about everything else!! Let him become a nerd over a fake baby! ]
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Then he closes it again. Close to baffled, but not fully there. ]
Gorgug, you-- you know that babies don't usually come with manuals, right?
[ Granted, he could just be thinking it since it's a fake baby and all.. But Fabian is pretty sure even fake babies aren't supposed to come with manuals when this place is trying so hard to pretend to be a normal city with normal people living in it for some reason. Of course they would also pretend that the babies are totally normal, despite them clearly being fake. ]
I think I.. [ .. He went to 'I' by default, but then presses his lips together. Waffles, hesitates, still adjusting, but then tries: ] .. I think we will just have to figure it out.
[ The words still sit within him a little uneasily, as new as they are, but-- Fabian truly is trying here, Gorgug. Trying to internalize what you've told him. ]
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...I'll look in the library. [ Look. This is still an option. If they can't have a manual, there's sure to be something in their library. Gorgug's been
nickingtaking out all kinds of books in there!!! He just never thought to look up baby handling 101.Until now. ]
I mean, there's gotta be something. What if you've never been around a baby? I haven't really been around babies before, 'cept passing them on the street.
I'll ask some people too. Actually, I already asked a guy to give me tips. He's letting me visit him later to see his baby.
[ Speaking of!! Listen how seriously he's trying to take this (so he doesn't pull an arm off again!!!) ]
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But he's tired. After throwing all this emotion out here, and after all the turmoil that came before it - he's too tired to get into it, especially when Fabian is already sure his friend understands it anyway. ]
.. thanks.
[ That feels better to say. Because thinking of this place only makes him frown and feel bad, but thinking about Gorgug's sweet, genuine effort at least does put a smile on Fabian's face as he looks at his friend. ]
I am, uh.. [ He hesitates a little, but then decides to let go of that hesitancy, to just fully trust Gorgug here. ] I am slightly tired though after all this.
[ Slightly is an understatement, judging by the way Fabian looks right now. It's practically the same way he looked after the whole deal with the Night Yorb. ]
Would I mind if I napped on you for a little bit? [ Not like they haven't done it before, all of them curled up together in the little space the Hangvan had for all their bodies. ] Just until they are done with the baby.
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Do you wanna sit on-- um, [ actually, you know what, ] --yeah, sure, you can nap.
[ You know what? He actually thought. He thought and decided 'do you wanna sit on my lap' was a bad thing to ask a guy friend, or maybe most friends, that are not Fig, and he's willing to draw as much attention away from what he was beginning to say to what his actual answer was: by bringing an arm back around Fabian's shoulders, ready to tuck him in closer to himself once Fabian shuffles himself in whatever direction he pleases. Gorgug's angled on the chair, but he'll put up with that. It's not uncomfortable. ]
Fig says I'm comfortable.
[ And he hopes he is now, offering his arm like he is like a sort of ineffectual blanket. Or a blanket solely for one's shoulders. ]
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It feels kind of nice. Especially since going from the situation in the Hangvan during their Night Yorb chase - months of sleeping together in a pile - to sleeping entirely by himself in a way too big house was a little bit too much at once. Feeling something warm against him as he sleeps reminds him of better times than the emptiness. ]
I think Fig is biased. [ He can't help but say, but a moment later he's already closing his eye once he's gotten comfortable enough. ] .. though she might not be entirely wrong.
[ Fabian feels more comfortable than he expected to, anyway. It really does feel kind of nice. Maybe Fig was onto something here. ]
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It's one of the many nice things about being part of the Bad Kids, where his presence isn't a deterrent but a comfort. He can't say that's always been a factor for him growing up. ]
She's right when she's right.
[ It's softly said, a fondness present that if Fabian isn't too tired, he might be able to catch a wistful note than just a simply friendly remark; but Gorgug is tipping his head above Fabian's, resting his cheek on the top of the head below him. Truly, there is no shame in cuddling up to a bro.
But there's no need to anything more to be said, unless it comes from Fabian. He wants to rest, sleep, and Gorgug will give him that, being sure to keep an eye out in the hall for any bots that might come with a baby in tow. ]
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Mostly because it doesn't take all that long before Fabian has fallen asleep. Something that is for once not just marked by the fact he's silent - because he had already been more quiet than the usual while stuck in the middle of his emotions here - but more the fact that his body seems to still, his breathing audibly and visibly slowing until it's obvious that he's fallen asleep, as curled up against Gorgug's side as he is. His head resting against the other's body, Fabian's own body twisted so as to try and get as much physical contact going on here, like a cat trying to sap your body warmth.
He doesn't even stir anymore, apparently as content as can be in his current napping position. ]
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Only the sounds of anything passing, or approaching. Gorgug lets his own eyes flutter closed for a while, but he doesn't fall asleep like Fabian does. He listens to the sound of the other's breathing, for no better reason than because it's too close to ignore it.
If Fabian's a light enough sleeper, then he might know when his baby is ready. When the companion bot appears to them, Gorgug can't stop them speaking in a volume that's not loud, but neither cares for Fabian's current state, but Gorgug's careful to set Fabian to rest back in his seat, to try and worm him off from his shoulder so that he can turn to the bot himself, speak hushed but hurriedly to take the baby robot for him, sit it huddled up in his arms.
There's no time for panic this time. At least, not about the baby. But if Fabian hasn't woken yet, then-- it's a few seconds more (where Gorgug considers if to let Fabian sleep a little longer) before there's a voice to try and do that, a knee nudging his knee. ]
Hey, Fabian.... Fabian.
[ There is a Gorgug holding your precious baby.....with all limbs attached inside the bundle of its blanket. ]
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And his brain truly is taking that opportunity to just.. zone out completely. Trying to get all the rest it has been missing out on, considering it only now feels safe to turn his brain off like this. Even when Fabian is finally slowly waking up at the nudge, his body only slowly starts to register the fact that some of the warmth and safety from before is gone.
.. not that Fabian thinks about this very consciously. It's all happening somewhere in the back of his brain. In the front of his brain is instead activity about what he's seeing - something that surprises him enough to half-sleepily shift up in his seat, blinking a few times before widening his eyes. ]
Is it-- Is it alright again?
[ Did they really not fuck this up after all? ]
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[ It's a soft reprimand, at the very least, and that's good--even if Gorgug would hold his temper for Fabian's sake, his friend doesn't need to be admonished for his mistake. Which, speaking of: ]
It was my fault, [ he mumbles out, being as still as still can be while with the baby bot in his arms. ] Do you wanna take it...?
[ The bot continues to stand there, as if to observe the pair for a while longer before making its leave. As if judging something, but who can say. Gorgug's focusing on Fabian currently, waiting on his sleepy state, and also how he might be feeling.
There's no need to rush, and he even reassures, ] It looks fine.
All damage to its limb has been fixed, [ adds the bot. ] However, we did note levels of distress before the accident. We recommend paying closer attention to your baby's needs You-- [ it turns to Gorgug ] --or whoever is watching over it.
[ Thanks, companion bot. ]
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Thanks.
[ Something about it sounds a little nervous - maybe because he's worried about breaking the baby too, or maybe because of the presence of the companion bot - but there is still something genuinely grateful in it, something that lingers between them for a moment before the bot speaks up again.
That is the part that full on makes Fabian wince. He kind of looks like a flower that's slowly wilting on the spot under the criticism. It's not like the bot is telling him something he didn't already know, but thinking you've fucked up is one thing, and a robot coming to tell you as much is another.
Maybe it's why he doesn't dare to look directly at the robot, instead just looking at his friend. ]
I-- I will.
[ Bro, look at that.. You spent so much effort on making the homie feel better, and now he looks absolutely bullied in the face of the companion bot.. ]
Sorry.
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Except anger threatens to rise up in him, and his mild expression turns flat as it faces it to the companion bot. His voice dull in the droning way of an unimpressed teen, as he tells him flatly: ] You can go now.
[ The bot looks from Fabian to Gorgug, and while there's nothing to show in their face, no indication they were about to speak-- ] Bye.
[ That's not italics for the bot. It's for the emphasis of that bye, a tone of You should leave that's threatening. Fortunately, it's not one that seems to get Gorgug in trouble where, wordlessly, the companion bot leaves them by walking back the way it came.
...Not really appearing affected by Gorgug's cunty dismissal, but Gorgug feels pleased to see the back of them anyway, huffing, a glean flashing over his eyes like it does when he's in one of his rages.
Or just feeling particularly emboldened. Which has been happening a lot more in the last year. ]
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He's never needed it, after all. Fabian has always made sure to never look like he'd need that sort of thing, but.. well, there's only so long he can keep that up when life knocks him this hard back down. It's just like after what happened on Leviathan. At some point he just can't keep it up anymore, but the last time he crumbled, Gorgug brought him oranges and small, gentle gestures.
This time he's bringing something more fierce.
.. Fabian doesn't mind. Something about it feels.. kind of nice, actually.
It's why he moves the baby a little until he's confidently holding it with the little baby head supported by the crook of his elbow, and only then uses his now-free other arm to put a gentle hand on top of Gorgug's arm.
If Gorgug looks at him, he'll see Fabian smiling. Thinly, nothing as wild as Fabian's smiles can sometimes get, but it's very genuine all the same. ]
Thanks. [ For that just now, but maybe just-- for everything. It doesn't even matter that Gorgug broke the arm in the first place. The problem still started because of Fabian being unable to handle this situation. ] It's easier because you're here.
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