[ Gorgug nods, is nodding, though the movement he takes to do it is short and quick. Small validations to show that he's listening and agreeing, because his throat can't do much better to get it across. Despite how much is owed to Fabian, to everyone, and though Gorgug can't begin to comprehend the words that will give to him what they're deserved--
Right now, he only has this much. The apologies given, the tears shed. It's the amount of energy he has to give, too, as mental exhaustion allows Gorgug to start slipping in and out--slipping back in if Fabian should wake him (he didn't want him to sleep, did he?), but sleeping far easier out. Not to hide this time, just to--
rest. To get back some more of his energy, even if that might take a while.
[ Despite what Fabian said before, he lets Gorgug sleep this time. After all, he mostly wanted the other awake just so Gorgug wouldn't be forced to get stuck with his own awful thoughts. He wanted to make sure that before the other closed his eyes, he'd at least know that Fabian didn't blame him for a thing, that he isn't mad at him.
So when Gorgug knows it now, he's fine with letting the other rest. Surely Gorgug's body has a whole lot of catching up on rest to do in the first place, and Fabian isn't going to force the other out of bed until he seems ready for it.
At first Fabian lingers there with the other, but then he gets up. Not to leave Gorgug necessarily, but because there's stuff for him to do. Cleaning the apartment when he and Riz haven't had much time for that in the middle of the chaos. Taking care of his own appearance some more, just so he doesn't give anyone who glances at him a reason to worry about him - especially Gorgug and Riz, who both need to focus on themselves right now. Who - Fabian has decided - need him to focus on them.
He ends up making some food. Not.. really a meal per se, since Fabian is the least talented cook of all three of them here, but even he can make a bowl of cereal. Maybe he'll ask Riz later for a real meal, or if the other still seems too far out of it, Fabian could try asking a different friend, or grabbing something for Gorgug from the restaurants..
.. but he's pretty sure the other can't handle that much right now anyway. So that bowl of cereal it is, Fabian taking it with him to the bedroom, finding Gorgug still resting there. He puts the tray with the bowl down on the nightstand, and then reaches out to make the other's hair look a little less all over the place - this time not pulling his hand back, even if the other stirs. ]
[ If Gorgug dreams, it's a mishmash of scenes that follow no particular plotline, nothing he can keep a hold on for long. There's nothing that he can recollect from before he stirs, but on the cusp of waking: either a dream or a memory, small hands brushing at his fringe during a feverish night. His body can surely remember those things.
It's not night in the real world. Nor are there tiny hands, nor a singular such one, though Gorgug doesn't open his eyes to find that out immediately. In the state between sleep and life, Gorgug lingers, unable to remember what it is that awaits him once he wakes more. While he has the chance to not feel the rising anger inside himself, he wants to linger in this in-between: the sensation of something touching him, that might not be real, and a calm that he hasn't felt without an oppressive, numbing apathy pressing down over him.
But he should look, he eventually reasons: when none of the negativity he's used to feeling stirs inside him, and so he lets his eyes open instead. Slowly, warily; the time when he last woke far from his mind, and so when he sees Fabian above him--Gorgug stiffens. Breath holding in his chest, but then his heart demanding a faster pulse, the guilt, the worry--
Gorgug doesn't hurry to move, to relax himself. He could ask what Fabian is doing, but he doesn't want to: he thinks Fabian can do whatever the hell he pleases, and nothing should be done that might stop that. Snippets of their previous exchange starts to find itself back inside his thoughts, but they don't entirely help. Tears, apologies, and reassurances--all that means anything is Fabian saying he isn't mad, even if that doesn't make everything alright.
So Gorgug watches Fabian a little, but doesn't think to watch him too closely; as if this will show that he has permission to touch or do whatever it is he wants. That he won't be interrupted. ]
[ He notices that Gorgug is waking up again, but Fabian doesn't move away yet. Instead he stays like that, just slowly moving Gorgug's hair around a little bit - and not saying anything. Just like how Gorgug is not saying anything. It's hard for Fabian to ever allow silence to just exist, given how much Fabian loves yapping, but it feels easier this way.
It's easier to say that this changes nothing and that he's here for Gorgug by just proving it to the other. That he doesn't flinch away, despite everything that happened between the two of them. That he isn't even really thinking about what happened, putting all of that away into a box he can hopefully just open and look into later. ]
.. hey. [ He finally slowly says after a few moments of silence. Fabian puts a final strand of hair into place, and then pulls back his hand to grab the bowl of cereal he put down on the nightstand so Gorgug can see it from where he's lying in the bed. ]
I thought you must be feeling hungry. Or even if you're not-- You should eat something.
[ Despite his previous inclination, there's a part of Gorgug that regrets it when the hand leaves: a hand and gesture that doesn't belong to him, and that he doesn't get a say in what it does. Which is why he won't say anything, but briefly, when nothing else happens, it feels like acceptance. So should, and does, the cereal that comes to sit on the nightstand beside him in view from his pillows.
It's just a different kind. The sort that is likely the reason that Gorgug continues to watch Fabian, wanting to say something to him, in this peace and silence of a room that allows Gorgug not to think about the world outside it.
Fabian's not mad at him. He doesn't blame him. And Gorgug can't return to apologies he's already given, though they feel like the only words he should ever be saying, still. So he stirs, inching his head back to look at Fabian better with both of his eyes, his lips pinching together with words he hasn't yet decided (I missed you; I missed everyone); when there's something more important in the room than food, or even himself. ]
...
[ But he can't do him justice.
He fails to find it, the perfect words, the perfect expression, and so he does instead what Fabian wants him to do: eat, even if he's not hungry. His body disagrees with his shuffling to bring himself to sit up, his hands helping to hoist himself upright. The bed creaks underneath, but does nothing more as Gorgug exhales, sits with his head handing slightly. ]
...Thank you, [ he slips out, as he reaches to take the bowl in his hands. Sitting it on his lap, hands taking their spots around the bowl and on the spoon. Gorgug's been eating even through the infection, but all this-- everything feels foreign. His own body feels foreign, detached from some parts of himself, but Gorgug doesn't know which.
He takes a bite, and chews slowly. Slower than he chews most bites except for when the Bad Kids are in front of people they want to impress, until the point that Gorgug forgets himself and starts doing more swallowing than chewing.
He then asks after a couple more bites, ] Is everything okay?
[ The thing that might be most noticable to Gorgug about Fabian right now is that Fabian seems.. well, the same as ever. Which usually wouldn't be a surprising thing, but considering everything that happened, and considering the heaviness that still exists within Gorgug after it all, it might be a little more surprising. A whole lot of things happened between the two of them, after all.
And yet.. It's just Fabian. It's Fabian treating him the way he always would. If there's any slight difference compared to the usual, it's that the half-elf is being a little more gentle. Helping with the little things. When Gorgug sits up, Fabian helps to put a pillow behind the other's back to support Gorgug sitting him. When he hands him the bowl of cereal, his hand lingers on top of the other's hand while he's in the middle of handing it over just a few seconds more than absolutely necessary. And despite the heavy mood in Gorgug's room, Fabian is smiling warmly. First silently watching Gorgug attempt a first bite, but then straightening up a little and speaking up when the other asks him that question. ]
Yeah.
[ Maybe the real answer is not a full 'yeah', but.. you know. The bad thing was taken care of. Everyone snapped out of it. There's a lot to be cleaned up in the meantime - both literally and figuratively - and Fabian's body still feels sore from that final battle with Gorgug, despite Riz's slapping him with some first aid right after it happened, as soon as they were sure Gorgug was alive and safe.
But right now Fabian just wants to reassure his friend that everything is alright. That Gorgug doesn't have to worry about anything outside of this room until he's in the right shape to do so again. ]
Everything is back to normal now. There's a lot of messes to be cleaned up, but.. you know how people here are. They'll take care of it. [ It's 'they' and not 'we' because Fabian has his own mess to clean up, okay.
He has to take care of Gorgug. Fabian is fully intending to not stray from the other's side during these early days of recovery, if he can help it. ]
The Ball's fine. [ Because he knows Gorgug would worry about that. ] I'm fine. I honestly think everyone managed to get through that without any permanent damage.
[ Gorgug does notice the things that Fabian does. The little things he usually wouldn't, particularly the pillow at Gorgug's back, something that he holds for when he notices, but doesn't comment on. If this were a different Gorgug, one who had simply not gone through everything he had, he would question it: he might even think Fabian might be suffering something, or want a favour from Gorgug.
Here and now, however, Gorgug notices it--but his mind can't make any of those assumptions, be confused or question it. He allows it to happen, and sits up with his bowl of cereal, the food tasteless going down his throat. He wants to have something to say in response to what Fabian does, where it should be good news what Fabian is sharing, and yet--his mind is blank. Gorgug isn't sure how to feel happy or relieved. ]
...did the Ball tell you what happened between us?
[ It's not common for Gorgug to use the Ball, but his mind can't even think of Riz's name properly, right now, and so he copies Fabian. ]
[ Fabian pauses for a slight moment. It might be noticeable or not - it could be in the sense that it's odd for Fabian, considering how easily he usually yaps, but Gorgug could also still be out of it enough that he doesn't fully realize that momentary pause might mean something.
Like, for example, Fabian realizing he's threading a very delicate topic right now. ]
I know. [ He slowly says. Saying Riz told him is a big claim, but considering he was the one to find Riz-- Just that by itself was enough. Fabian isn't dumb enough to not be able to have a rough idea of what happened from it, and it's not like he wants Gorgug to have to talk about it right now either.
It's got to be at least as painful for the other to recall as everything between the two of them. ]
I brought him back here after that and took care of him. [ So it's alright, he means to imply.
Fabian made the best out of a terrible situation as well as he could. ]
[ He's staring down at the food. In actual truth, Gorgug's staring at nothing: he's only focused on the internal, the way his stomach twists something horrid. Fabian knows. Gorgug didn't actually doubt he did, but now, Gorgug is thinking about it. Remembering it, and trying not to, with the flashes of memories both from his time with Riz and then the fight with the three of them. Every horrid thing that he did, seeking to be recognised. To push itself first inside his head, to be recalled. Re-experienced. Fabian knows. Riz knows. He knows.
His breathing deepens. His nerves turn cold, sensitive under what's running around inside him, and Gorgug--
He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be doing this. ]
...I want to be alone for a while. I'll eat later.
[ His gaze doesn't turn onto Fabian; he doesn't want the other to somehow peer into what's going on inside him. Aiming for a tone that's neutral, flat; like this is normal, like Fabian doesn't need to worry. Everything's fine, despite the way that Gorgug wants to break the bowl up between his hands or to throw it, or how much he wants to shrivel up into nothing.
But Gorgug can't do any of that, not in front of Fabian. He can't, but he needs-- he needs to get this ugliness away from him. ]
Please, [ follows, his head still not moving, his body not shifting. But there's a plea in his tone, one that he's trying to hold together. ]
[ If Gorgug thinks he can somehow deceive Fabian into not worrying in this moment, then he sure is wrong. Of course Fabian is going to be worried after everything that happened. The relief of knowing that at least Gorgug isn't still actively haunted by something terrible is great, but it doesn't take away the fact that it happened. Especially not for Gorgug himself.
So even though Fabian instantly knows it's not that Gorgug is saying this with actual neutral feelings inside of him, he doesn't know what feelings are there. He doesn't know the exact reason Gorgug is saying this, and it sucks. Because there are plenty of reasons Fabian would feel the room for, especially if it might make his friend feel better, but there are also plenty of reasons that would only make him want to stick to the other even more closely.
But which is it? Does he just fuck up if he pushes too far in the wrong direction, whichever one that is? Fabian chews on the inside of his cheek, vaguely feeling the fatigue of the past months inside of him as he tries to work out the best thing to do here to help his friend.
He doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
Which means there's only one thing he can say here - still looking at Gorgug, no matter the fact that he isn't looking back at Fabian. ]
Why do you want me to leave?
[ Maybe it's a little too blunt. They usually don't do this whole 'talking about feelings' thing. Not really.
But it did help back when Fabian was sitting in that cold hospital hallway. So maybe it's something they should do, if not just so Fabian can make a more informed decision on what to do here. So he can do something without worrying and feeling like a fuck-up when it comes to helping his friend. ]
[ It would be easier if Fabian just left. Because the question to his request, and the answer to it, only fills him with more guilt: he shouldn't be feeling like this at all. It's a difficult thing to admit to, so Gorgug doesn't; sitting there staring forward, trying to find some other explanation, some other reason to his request that isn't the honest truth.
The tears are coming, circling the lower rims of his eyelids. Gorgug blinks, and they blur his vision, and the swelling in his throat arrives soon after; and it's as he starts to move, to put that bowl aside, that he finally thinks to say anything. A voice half-trembling, its weak attempt to sound casual. ]
I don't feel very well--th-that's all.
[ But there's no hiding the truth. He sniffs, and he wipes at his face with the back of his sleeve, and he struggles to keep down the building emotion rising up from his gut. Hasn't he cried enough? He doesn't need to cry again, but his body refuses to agree with him, and Gorgug hangs his head into his hands with his elbows resting on the blankets. ]
Sorry, [ he manages to get out--not yet full out crying, but the sobs small, fresh.
[ Now Fabian is almost kind of glad that Gorgug isn't looking at him - because he can feel his own expression dropping the moment he witnesses his friend starting to cry again like that, and he doesn't want Gorgug to have to see that. It'd probably only make him feel worse, even if it's just an instinctive reaction on Fabian's part.
But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
[ Gorgug's sniffling, head down and swallowing against the rock in his throat, but the touch on his arm makes him turn to look at Fabian. Instinctively, though the words that his friend continues with, speak, does make him look away--not from shame (not this time), but so he can listen to him better. Because Fabian deserves that, even if there's heat on his cheeks and his eyes won't stop getting wet.
He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
[ There's a lot he feels like he could say or do here - make attempts to fix this thing between Gorgug and Riz, especially when he knows that all the two of them are doing is likely just feeling bad for the other's sake.
But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
[ Is he still tired? He is, to be honest; he's also a lot of other things, though it's as Fabian says: he isn't sure that sleeping will really fix anything.
But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
[ It's not like it's a strange fear on Gorgug's part. After all, he had practically passed out and nearly died back there during that final battle. He wouldn't know as definitely as Fabian does that the thing that possessed Gorgug and turned him to all of those things is gone now.
Not to mention that he just spent a month hurting everyone he cares about. He's only just today woken up and truly snapped out of it. It might be difficult to believe that everything is different now. Better.
Even though Gorgug isn't looking at him, Fabian makes sure to continue to smile, figuring it might be audible in his voice. ]
I don't believe you will. [ He sounds so confident about this. It's definitely some of that natural Fabian confidence - though there's more backing it up now than during his dumbest moments, when it just gets him into trouble. ] And I would like to prove it this way.
[ Because maybe Gorgug may not ever believe again that he can be around people without hurting them until there is someone around him. Until that kind of encounter goes well.
He lifts a hand to the other's face, helping him wipe away those tears from earlier a little bit. If not just as another kind of proof, the proof of the fact that-- ]
[ Gorgug's head tilts to the touch; not immediately looking at Fabian, but turning in the direction that he's coming from, frozen for a second afterwards. But after those few seconds, he does look up at Fabian--wishing right now that he was so much smaller, a feeling he hasn't had in him for so long. Before, wishing it so that he fit in better with everyone else around him: his schoolmates, his parents.
Now, this is different. Because if he was smaller, he wouldn't be as much of a problem. He wants to be someone different, someone who can't hurt, or be a problem. That if there's less of him, there's less for other people to be worried about.
He doesn't want to hurt Fabian, is what the wish truly is. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. ]
...okay. [ The agreement is small, mumbled. The thing about Fabian's reassurance is every other emotion that it swells inside of him, that he can feel the tears coming again. But Gorgug is shuffling, moving himself towards the wall that his bed is pressed against. ] I-if I do, I'm sorry, and-- tell Riz I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean anything.
[ The part of him that hesitated over apologies has gone away, and in its place is a surge of emotion, his back planted to the wall and his hands coming up to hide his face. For that reason, and so that he knows where they are; so he can grip his hair and feel like he has some sort of false control over them, just like he always did with the infection inside of him.
He breathes, trying to keep even this overwhelmed state of him calm. Because if he isn't calm, then he's angry. And if he's angry, then--it's over. It's all over. ]
[ It doesn't feel great at all to hear his friend say stuff like that. To see Gorgug so scared - despite his size. The other is curling up against the wall like he's trying to disappear, and Fabian can't only hope that staying next to Gorgug like this without anything happening will slowly desensitize the other to it all. That it will slowly make him believe that things are okay, even if they might not seem that way to Gorgug just yet.
So he moves to join the other in the bed, though in a much more calm way than Fabian usually would have - sometimes just having too much energy and too much dramatic flair at the same time. It's like Gorgug is a frightened animal he's trying really hard to not startle, holding a breath until he's actually lying down next to the other.
He rolls onto his side, Fabian's face turned towards Gorgug. Watching him. Watching those hands, the faint shake to him. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then speaks up again. ]
.. can I touch you?
[ Sure, he did it a moment ago without asking.
But he's pretty sure that with how bad Gorgug looks right now, the other might just flip out by accident if Fabian does as much as accidentally brush him, let alone outright touch him. So before he does what he wants to do, he should at least ask. ]
[ Fabian must think him a fool. With his hands in front of his face like a kid, Gorgug feels like it--that he's dumb, overreacting, and isn't there plenty about Gorgug that's wrong? But it doesn't make Gorgug bring his hands down; he's become too used to it when trying to sleep, or searching for moments where he can stop his mind from racing about every bad thing that he did. He only knows that Fabian's come beside him by the shifting weight of the bed, before it's quiet again.
Except for Gorgug's breathing. Heavy, hot. And then Fabian speaks up, with a request that could mean a few things, but- ]
Okay.
[ It doesn't matter how Fabian wants to touch him. He can if he wants to, with Gorgug's answered muffled by his palms, but otherwise clear. ]
[ There's no immediate touch after Gorgug answers. Instead Fabian takes a moment, like he's settling on the exact course of action he wants to take here, and then he does reach out. His hands land on the back of Gorgug's hands, the ones the other is still holding in front of his face, and one of Fabian's two hands moves to try and grab a gentle hold of Gorgug's hand. ]
It's alright. [ Fabian says, hoping so bad that it's even a little bit soothing. That Gorgug won't freak out at this much, even though Fabian is still moving to try and get them to gently hold hands. He'll lower their joint hands if Gorgug allows it at all, leaving the other hand in front of Gorgug's face for now.
[ Truthfully, Gorgug knows that Fabian won't hurt him. Even if he would deserve it, nothing about what Fabian has said or done leans into Gorgug believing Fabian would change his tune right about now. Maybe he'll touch him like he did earlier, or maybe that's just a tiny part of Gorgug that considers it because he wants it; or maybe he'll put a hand on his shoulder, some other small gesture that's not as intimate.
When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]
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no subject
Right now, he only has this much. The apologies given, the tears shed. It's the amount of energy he has to give, too, as mental exhaustion allows Gorgug to start slipping in and out--slipping back in if Fabian should wake him (he didn't want him to sleep, did he?), but sleeping far easier out. Not to hide this time, just to--
rest. To get back some more of his energy, even if that might take a while.
A timeskip, king?? King, a timeskip?? ]
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So when Gorgug knows it now, he's fine with letting the other rest. Surely Gorgug's body has a whole lot of catching up on rest to do in the first place, and Fabian isn't going to force the other out of bed until he seems ready for it.
At first Fabian lingers there with the other, but then he gets up. Not to leave Gorgug necessarily, but because there's stuff for him to do. Cleaning the apartment when he and Riz haven't had much time for that in the middle of the chaos. Taking care of his own appearance some more, just so he doesn't give anyone who glances at him a reason to worry about him - especially Gorgug and Riz, who both need to focus on themselves right now. Who - Fabian has decided - need him to focus on them.
He ends up making some food. Not.. really a meal per se, since Fabian is the least talented cook of all three of them here, but even he can make a bowl of cereal. Maybe he'll ask Riz later for a real meal, or if the other still seems too far out of it, Fabian could try asking a different friend, or grabbing something for Gorgug from the restaurants..
.. but he's pretty sure the other can't handle that much right now anyway. So that bowl of cereal it is, Fabian taking it with him to the bedroom, finding Gorgug still resting there. He puts the tray with the bowl down on the nightstand, and then reaches out to make the other's hair look a little less all over the place - this time not pulling his hand back, even if the other stirs. ]
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It's not night in the real world. Nor are there tiny hands, nor a singular such one, though Gorgug doesn't open his eyes to find that out immediately. In the state between sleep and life, Gorgug lingers, unable to remember what it is that awaits him once he wakes more. While he has the chance to not feel the rising anger inside himself, he wants to linger in this in-between: the sensation of something touching him, that might not be real, and a calm that he hasn't felt without an oppressive, numbing apathy pressing down over him.
But he should look, he eventually reasons: when none of the negativity he's used to feeling stirs inside him, and so he lets his eyes open instead. Slowly, warily; the time when he last woke far from his mind, and so when he sees Fabian above him--Gorgug stiffens. Breath holding in his chest, but then his heart demanding a faster pulse, the guilt, the worry--
Gorgug doesn't hurry to move, to relax himself. He could ask what Fabian is doing, but he doesn't want to: he thinks Fabian can do whatever the hell he pleases, and nothing should be done that might stop that. Snippets of their previous exchange starts to find itself back inside his thoughts, but they don't entirely help. Tears, apologies, and reassurances--all that means anything is Fabian saying he isn't mad, even if that doesn't make everything alright.
So Gorgug watches Fabian a little, but doesn't think to watch him too closely; as if this will show that he has permission to touch or do whatever it is he wants. That he won't be interrupted. ]
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It's easier to say that this changes nothing and that he's here for Gorgug by just proving it to the other. That he doesn't flinch away, despite everything that happened between the two of them. That he isn't even really thinking about what happened, putting all of that away into a box he can hopefully just open and look into later. ]
.. hey. [ He finally slowly says after a few moments of silence. Fabian puts a final strand of hair into place, and then pulls back his hand to grab the bowl of cereal he put down on the nightstand so Gorgug can see it from where he's lying in the bed. ]
I thought you must be feeling hungry. Or even if you're not-- You should eat something.
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It's just a different kind. The sort that is likely the reason that Gorgug continues to watch Fabian, wanting to say something to him, in this peace and silence of a room that allows Gorgug not to think about the world outside it.
Fabian's not mad at him. He doesn't blame him. And Gorgug can't return to apologies he's already given, though they feel like the only words he should ever be saying, still. So he stirs, inching his head back to look at Fabian better with both of his eyes, his lips pinching together with words he hasn't yet decided (I missed you; I missed everyone); when there's something more important in the room than food, or even himself. ]
...
[ But he can't do him justice.
He fails to find it, the perfect words, the perfect expression, and so he does instead what Fabian wants him to do: eat, even if he's not hungry. His body disagrees with his shuffling to bring himself to sit up, his hands helping to hoist himself upright. The bed creaks underneath, but does nothing more as Gorgug exhales, sits with his head handing slightly. ]
...Thank you, [ he slips out, as he reaches to take the bowl in his hands. Sitting it on his lap, hands taking their spots around the bowl and on the spoon. Gorgug's been eating even through the infection, but all this-- everything feels foreign. His own body feels foreign, detached from some parts of himself, but Gorgug doesn't know which.
He takes a bite, and chews slowly. Slower than he chews most bites except for when the Bad Kids are in front of people they want to impress, until the point that Gorgug forgets himself and starts doing more swallowing than chewing.
He then asks after a couple more bites, ] Is everything okay?
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And yet.. It's just Fabian. It's Fabian treating him the way he always would. If there's any slight difference compared to the usual, it's that the half-elf is being a little more gentle. Helping with the little things. When Gorgug sits up, Fabian helps to put a pillow behind the other's back to support Gorgug sitting him. When he hands him the bowl of cereal, his hand lingers on top of the other's hand while he's in the middle of handing it over just a few seconds more than absolutely necessary. And despite the heavy mood in Gorgug's room, Fabian is smiling warmly. First silently watching Gorgug attempt a first bite, but then straightening up a little and speaking up when the other asks him that question. ]
Yeah.
[ Maybe the real answer is not a full 'yeah', but.. you know. The bad thing was taken care of. Everyone snapped out of it. There's a lot to be cleaned up in the meantime - both literally and figuratively - and Fabian's body still feels sore from that final battle with Gorgug, despite Riz's slapping him with some first aid right after it happened, as soon as they were sure Gorgug was alive and safe.
But right now Fabian just wants to reassure his friend that everything is alright. That Gorgug doesn't have to worry about anything outside of this room until he's in the right shape to do so again. ]
Everything is back to normal now. There's a lot of messes to be cleaned up, but.. you know how people here are. They'll take care of it. [ It's 'they' and not 'we' because Fabian has his own mess to clean up, okay.
He has to take care of Gorgug. Fabian is fully intending to not stray from the other's side during these early days of recovery, if he can help it. ]
The Ball's fine. [ Because he knows Gorgug would worry about that. ] I'm fine. I honestly think everyone managed to get through that without any permanent damage.
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Here and now, however, Gorgug notices it--but his mind can't make any of those assumptions, be confused or question it. He allows it to happen, and sits up with his bowl of cereal, the food tasteless going down his throat. He wants to have something to say in response to what Fabian does, where it should be good news what Fabian is sharing, and yet--his mind is blank. Gorgug isn't sure how to feel happy or relieved. ]
...did the Ball tell you what happened between us?
[ It's not common for Gorgug to use the Ball, but his mind can't even think of Riz's name properly, right now, and so he copies Fabian. ]
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Like, for example, Fabian realizing he's threading a very delicate topic right now. ]
I know. [ He slowly says. Saying Riz told him is a big claim, but considering he was the one to find Riz-- Just that by itself was enough. Fabian isn't dumb enough to not be able to have a rough idea of what happened from it, and it's not like he wants Gorgug to have to talk about it right now either.
It's got to be at least as painful for the other to recall as everything between the two of them. ]
I brought him back here after that and took care of him. [ So it's alright, he means to imply.
Fabian made the best out of a terrible situation as well as he could. ]
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His breathing deepens. His nerves turn cold, sensitive under what's running around inside him, and Gorgug--
He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be doing this. ]
...I want to be alone for a while. I'll eat later.
[ His gaze doesn't turn onto Fabian; he doesn't want the other to somehow peer into what's going on inside him. Aiming for a tone that's neutral, flat; like this is normal, like Fabian doesn't need to worry. Everything's fine, despite the way that Gorgug wants to break the bowl up between his hands or to throw it, or how much he wants to shrivel up into nothing.
But Gorgug can't do any of that, not in front of Fabian. He can't, but he needs-- he needs to get this ugliness away from him. ]
Please, [ follows, his head still not moving, his body not shifting. But there's a plea in his tone, one that he's trying to hold together. ]
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So even though Fabian instantly knows it's not that Gorgug is saying this with actual neutral feelings inside of him, he doesn't know what feelings are there. He doesn't know the exact reason Gorgug is saying this, and it sucks. Because there are plenty of reasons Fabian would feel the room for, especially if it might make his friend feel better, but there are also plenty of reasons that would only make him want to stick to the other even more closely.
But which is it? Does he just fuck up if he pushes too far in the wrong direction, whichever one that is? Fabian chews on the inside of his cheek, vaguely feeling the fatigue of the past months inside of him as he tries to work out the best thing to do here to help his friend.
He doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
Which means there's only one thing he can say here - still looking at Gorgug, no matter the fact that he isn't looking back at Fabian. ]
Why do you want me to leave?
[ Maybe it's a little too blunt. They usually don't do this whole 'talking about feelings' thing. Not really.
But it did help back when Fabian was sitting in that cold hospital hallway. So maybe it's something they should do, if not just so Fabian can make a more informed decision on what to do here. So he can do something without worrying and feeling like a fuck-up when it comes to helping his friend. ]
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The tears are coming, circling the lower rims of his eyelids. Gorgug blinks, and they blur his vision, and the swelling in his throat arrives soon after; and it's as he starts to move, to put that bowl aside, that he finally thinks to say anything. A voice half-trembling, its weak attempt to sound casual. ]
I don't feel very well--th-that's all.
[ But there's no hiding the truth. He sniffs, and he wipes at his face with the back of his sleeve, and he struggles to keep down the building emotion rising up from his gut. Hasn't he cried enough? He doesn't need to cry again, but his body refuses to agree with him, and Gorgug hangs his head into his hands with his elbows resting on the blankets. ]
Sorry, [ he manages to get out--not yet full out crying, but the sobs small, fresh.
Like he has a month of tears to catch up with. ]
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But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
I feel the exact same way about you right now.
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He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
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But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
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But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
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Not to mention that he just spent a month hurting everyone he cares about. He's only just today woken up and truly snapped out of it. It might be difficult to believe that everything is different now. Better.
Even though Gorgug isn't looking at him, Fabian makes sure to continue to smile, figuring it might be audible in his voice. ]
I don't believe you will. [ He sounds so confident about this. It's definitely some of that natural Fabian confidence - though there's more backing it up now than during his dumbest moments, when it just gets him into trouble. ] And I would like to prove it this way.
[ Because maybe Gorgug may not ever believe again that he can be around people without hurting them until there is someone around him. Until that kind of encounter goes well.
He lifts a hand to the other's face, helping him wipe away those tears from earlier a little bit. If not just as another kind of proof, the proof of the fact that-- ]
I'm not scared of you. Not at all.
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Now, this is different. Because if he was smaller, he wouldn't be as much of a problem. He wants to be someone different, someone who can't hurt, or be a problem. That if there's less of him, there's less for other people to be worried about.
He doesn't want to hurt Fabian, is what the wish truly is. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. ]
...okay. [ The agreement is small, mumbled. The thing about Fabian's reassurance is every other emotion that it swells inside of him, that he can feel the tears coming again. But Gorgug is shuffling, moving himself towards the wall that his bed is pressed against. ] I-if I do, I'm sorry, and-- tell Riz I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean anything.
[ The part of him that hesitated over apologies has gone away, and in its place is a surge of emotion, his back planted to the wall and his hands coming up to hide his face. For that reason, and so that he knows where they are; so he can grip his hair and feel like he has some sort of false control over them, just like he always did with the infection inside of him.
He breathes, trying to keep even this overwhelmed state of him calm. Because if he isn't calm, then he's angry. And if he's angry, then--it's over. It's all over. ]
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So he moves to join the other in the bed, though in a much more calm way than Fabian usually would have - sometimes just having too much energy and too much dramatic flair at the same time. It's like Gorgug is a frightened animal he's trying really hard to not startle, holding a breath until he's actually lying down next to the other.
He rolls onto his side, Fabian's face turned towards Gorgug. Watching him. Watching those hands, the faint shake to him. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then speaks up again. ]
.. can I touch you?
[ Sure, he did it a moment ago without asking.
But he's pretty sure that with how bad Gorgug looks right now, the other might just flip out by accident if Fabian does as much as accidentally brush him, let alone outright touch him. So before he does what he wants to do, he should at least ask. ]
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Except for Gorgug's breathing. Heavy, hot. And then Fabian speaks up, with a request that could mean a few things, but- ]
Okay.
[ It doesn't matter how Fabian wants to touch him. He can if he wants to, with Gorgug's answered muffled by his palms, but otherwise clear. ]
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It's alright. [ Fabian says, hoping so bad that it's even a little bit soothing. That Gorgug won't freak out at this much, even though Fabian is still moving to try and get them to gently hold hands. He'll lower their joint hands if Gorgug allows it at all, leaving the other hand in front of Gorgug's face for now.
Better to not take this too fast. ]
See? [ They're touching. Gorgug isn't hurting him. ] It's alright.
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When he goes for his hand instead, the muscles of it do tighten. Like Gorgug's ready to fight against it being moved away, and--he is. He wants to be, anyway, but the thing is: he doesn't. When Fabian takes it, and Gorgug doesn't know if to have his eyes opened or shut when the space opens to reveal Fabian there, he ends up staring back at him, his arm not resisting. As Fabian's voice is soothing, his presence something--unexpected.
Kind. Considerate.
Gorgug's watching him with his one eye, a mixture of emotions that he doesn't know how to separate into anything that he can put a voice to. Do you think I'm stupid? is one, while another, I was so scared is another. His lower lip trembles, and he clenches his jaw to keep down the new surge of upset that rises in his throat. Closes his eyes, quiet as he breathes through his nose and lets his body calm back down.
And eventually, he lets his fingers curl against Fabian's hand. ]
I-I should...stay away from people...for a while. I don't want to... hurt anyone. On accident. Just... until I'm sure, Fabian...
[ His voice is steady for the most part, and he doesn't peek to look back at Fabian until after he's done. His expression morose even from behind that singular hand still pressed to his face. Another comfort of its own, as much as Fabian's reassurance is. ]
I don't know what'll happen...if I get mad anymore...
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[ That Gorgug wants that. It makes sense. And it's not like Fabian is immediately going to force him back out in public - especially when he's pretty sure Gorgug needs more bed rest anyway. Even aside from the mental torment and this sentiment on the other's part, Gorgug almost died back there. Again.
Fabian won't forget that. He needs to recover, both physically and mentally. At least Fabian is sure of that, even if there's still so much up in the air right now. ]
It will be just me for now. [ Because he won't budge on that one. If he isn't there, wouldn't it much too easy for Gorgug to get stuck in this fear forever? To never be able to face anyone ever again, just because he doesn't know if he will hurt them or not?
It sucks how much Gorgug had seemed to get over his rage issues, only for this place to drag him right back down into it. He's never forgiving it for that. ]
Is that alright? Just me. [ He knows he's leaving out an obvious other person there, but-- it's on purpose. He squeezes Gorgug's hand very lightly as he adds: ] You don't have to see the Ball until you're ready.
[ And until Riz is ready, because-- well, Fabian is pretty sure he has some work left to do there too. Riz can't be doing well after all of that either, but it's fine. He can check on him too. What sort of maximum legend would he be if he couldn't even be there for both his friends? ]
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[ His voice falls to a mutter, his eyes closing as he gives that last okay; a desire in him to still cry, to yell as well, even if neither will give him what he wants. To get rid of this horrible uncertainty pressing over him, suffocating. It's easy to fall into moments of silence, where internally, he's anything but calm; unable to stop himself from wondering if something inside him is going to tick over, that he won't start to feel the signs of his rage being agitated. His anger being called forth.
It doesn't come. But it's not easy to feel relief when it feels like it could, even with him being in bed with Fabian like this. Doing nothing. ]
...Riz can come in, if he wants. [ When Gorgug speaks up, it's to say that. Still not looking at Fabian, but because he's keeping both eyes closed than intentionally looking elsewhere. ] I don't want him...thinking I hate him. I don't... He's not different... you're all my friends. I dunno what I said...
[ He does, in bits and pieces. But it's hard to see the events clearly as they occurred: what was said, and what was thought? It's like what happened between them is there in his brain, but it's overwhelming, to try and think of the specificities.
Gorgug breathes, trying not to think on any part of it. Even if brains really don't work like that. ]