[ At least Gorgug speaking up seems to finally stir something in Fabian. He hasn't really moved this entire time, but now he does. Slowly the boy sits upright, removing his hands from his face so he can actually look at his friend as Gorgug continues to utter both reassurances and apologies.
But as worried as he is about Fabian's ire, it doesn't seem that he's angry, weirdly enough. Fabian is looking right at Gorgug, but there's no anger on the half-elf's face. His look is almost weirdly blank at first, but then when Gorgug continues to actually apologize, it changes to something a little more sad. Like something about hearing those words practically leaves him in pain.
Even so, it still takes a moment before he can say something in return. Just a pause that's slightly longer than necessary between Gorgug's last word and Fabian's first. ]
.. I fucked up.
[ It's all he has to say for a moment, though it's clear that he's sitting on more words that won't come out so easily, judging by the way his mouth opens and closes a few times before she actually speaks on. ]
It's not you. [ Well, technically it was Gorgug. Gorgug breaking off the baby's arm is a very objective fact.
But maybe that isn't what Fabian exactly means here, considering there's something so heavy to his voice. Like something that he's been thinking about this entire time during this silence is finally slowly spilling out. ]
It's me. I couldn't do it. I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.
[ Maybe the words don't even make much sense to the other, but Fabian doesn't realize as much. They make sense within his own thoughts, after all, and those have been keeping him company this entire time. ]
Gorgug knows there's something more here going on. Rather--what Fabian is saying doesn't match with events, or it's taking responsibility for what happened on a more personal level than is actually fair on the other guy. They both freaked, and Gorgug certainly broke an arm off there. So Fabian's response to his apologies silences him, confuses him, as he tries to wrap his head around what Fabian exactly means.
He could understand anger towards himself, but this blame--it's another thing, and Gorgug is staring at him, puzzled, but also with concern; like he's once again being confronted with something foreign, but this time, it's not a screaming baby. ]
You could do it, [ he's sure to start off with--perhaps not immediately, but almost jumping to reassure once Gorgug finds his voice. ] You just, we weren't ready for a baby, and that kind of responsibility is a lot-- we can try again. Do you wanna try again?
[ There's a we that's been placed here, and it makes sense for Gorgug, who doesn't decide to explain the obvious point that he's responsible here, and is willing to carry on with that responsibility. A half-orc can't break his bro's baby's arm off and then not help out, right?
They just need another chance, and the question is posed soothingly, gently. Reassuring: It's okay, Fabian. ]
Fabian couldn't explain it. He's not even sure he can explain to to himself. And it has nothing to do with Gorgug, it's just-- just something about the words. It feels like they're wrapping themselves around his heart, squeezing tight. We weren't ready for a baby, and that kind of responsibility is a lot. ]
That's not-- That's not how it works. [ He pulls back suddenly, sitting upright again. Fabian turns his head to stare at Gorgug, and his one eye is very wide, like something has startled him. Even the movement was very much like a jolt. ]
You can't just try again with a baby. [ Except you can. In this place. It's why they're here in the hospital hallway, waiting for their baby to be returned as good as new.
And yet Fabian seems so weirdly convinced of his words - like he's speaking of something else entirely. ]
You have a baby, and then you have one chance, and if you fuck it up then, you can't just start over! [ He's obviously upset. His tone is upset. But it doesn't seem to be plain anger at all, let alone anger being leveled at Gorgug right now.
Instead Fabian weirdly sounds like he's getting closer and closer to the edge of crying with every single word that leaves his mouth. ]
You'll have fucked up forever! And I fucked up! I fucked it up big time, Gorgug!
[ Gorgug knows that he's not always particularly perceptive, but in the face of Fabian's growing volume, the frantic expression etching itself wilder onto his face, Gorgug knows this is about more than just the baby that was dumped with Fabian. He's not sure that he can pinpoint where it's coming from, tries to think about it (is it what happened with Leviathan? Having his father's legacy put him in a position of authority over others, then hearing them die, die, die), but he doesn't have time as his friend freaks the fuck out right in front of him. ]
Fabian.
[ Instead, he only has the time to place his hands on top of Fabian's shoulders, turning his body weight to face the other too; eyes searching him, and pleading for his attention. Hoping still that he might be able to figure out where this anxiety is coming from.
But in those few seconds, his hands drop from the top of his shoulders to the sides, squeezing them in a comforting manner (trying, to not be too hard), his gaze tinged with the sadness of hearing a friend speak like this.
Speaking so afraid. ]
You haven't fucked up forever, [ Gorgug says, his voice softer, his eyes nowhere else but staying on Fabian. Reassuring--telling him. ] I promise.
[ For someone who's so constantly desperate for attention, something about this does not feel great. Not in this moment. All of Gorgug's attention on him, the softening of his emotions is for him, and Fabian doesn't know how to deal with it. Not when he feels so naked in this moment, sitting here with Gorgug in what feels like his absolute lowest moment in a long, long time.
But whereas he usually just shoves everything down, it feels harder now. It's like right back after Leviathan, when everything had been so overwhelming that he straight up couldn't hide what happened from his friends when they asked. Because all the emotion - fear, upset, guilt, inadequacy, guilt guilt guilt - spilled right out.
This is like that. The conscious part of Fabian wants to keep this all on the inside. No one has to know. It's fine. He can just keep on going, and no one has to know.
It's not the part of Fabian that's in control right now, however. No, the part that's in control suddenly spills out: ]
Gorgug, mama is--
[ It sounds completely irrelevant, aside from one thing about what he's about to say being involved in this situation too, but it actually is connected. It's part of a long string of things connecting this situation here to everything Fabian has been constantly worried about for most of the last year. ]
Mama is probably having a baby. [ Right, Gorgug wouldn't know. He didn't recognize his tattoo either. He wouldn't know. ] With Gilear.
[ Fabian stares at Gorgug with terror, even now. Perhaps due to the topic he just started on - like being faced with the drop of a rollercoaster right before you go all the way down and see the awful rest of it -, or maybe partially because he's expecting to be met with ridicule for being upset about something like that. It's what happened before, after all. No one seemed to understand, and Fabian wasn't willing to make them understand either. ]
That's obvious; where all of Gorgug's previous desire to reach out to Fabian in this moment becomes answered, puzzling as it first starts off when Fabian brings up his mama, and now--and now what does he do with it?
This?
There is so much going on here, and Gorgug can better feel its presence, but it's not his burden: it's not his fear that's leaking out in that confession, right after the panic of not having second chances, you've screwed up forever. But--Gorgug knows that it couldn't have been from something that Fabian's mom told him, right? And there's something else, something more, and this is so delicate for someone with the clumsiest hands, his own fear of taking the wrong step. Saying the wrong thing.
Surprise lifts in his gaze initially, but then worries into something searching Fabian's face--no judgment, and not even the kind of clear confusion that Gorgug wears so well creases his features, but instead the tightly knotted brow that indicates when he's thinking carefully, processing. ]
Okay. [ It's not said slowly, but spoken in acknowledgement. His hands haven't dropped. ] Do you-- are you worried... about being replaced by the new baby?
[ Should he have just for Fabian to explain himself? It gnaws at Gorgug, the worry that he's asking something so obvious, and right now, he doesn't want to give Fabian any reasons to draw away. And maybe there was something said or done that he doesn't know about, or that Fabian's just freaking out at this change coming in his life.
This is delicate, and he's ill-equipped to deal with this--but so is his friend, and he wants to hold onto this anyway, with him. ]
You know what? Maybe he would have taken the ridicule. It certainly can't be worse than being faced with this question of all things. It makes Fabian look more and more vulnerable - almost smaller - under Gorgug's gaze with each passing moment, and he finally turns to move out of the hold Gorgug has on his arms, instead seeming to curl in on himself a little.
After all, the answer to that question is not even just difficult for Fabian to voice, it's already difficult enough to just figure out. ]
No! Or.. [ ... ] I mean, I-- I know she loves me very much.
[ He isn't even looking at Gorgug.
He can't. Fabian wouldn't even be able to look at himself while saying this, let alone at someone else. Trying to voice things that have lived in his thoughts for months, and in his heart for perhaps even longer. He's never even fully reached in there himself, too scared of what he'd find. Life was easier just-- moving on. Going on. ]
It's just-- She seems so happy with Gilear. All the time. And she talks constantly about how they're going to be married for hundreds and hundreds of years together, and I-- I won't make it that far. [ The lifespan of half-elves are nothing compared to actual elves, after all. Fabian likely won't even make two hunderd, and that's if he makes it to old age in the first place. ] I thought maybe she wanted a baby that actually could live with her for that long. A family that's exactly like her, not different like me and papa.
[ Fabian's fingers idly pluck at a stray thread on his clothes. It's a nervous gesture. ]
Especially since-- Mama loves me. [ It's repeated from a moment ago, but he doesn't even seem to realize. Maybe he's trying to tell it to himself more than he's telling it to Gorgug. Trying to remind himself, convince himself. (Because she does, she knows, he knows, and he'd never want to talk badly about her, but--) ] But she was never really interested in me as a baby.
[ Or, you know, after that.
But even voicing this little feels so wrong to him. It feels like he's betraying his mother by saying it. Like he's betraying himself. He knows it's not like she doesn't care, it's just-- it's complicated. It's all so complicated. ]
I thought that if I could raise a baby the right way here, then I could-- I could prove something.
[ To her? To himself? To the world? Who knows. Fabian sure doesn't. ]
[ Gorgug's hands don't hover when Fabian moves; just for a second, and they drop without offence, tucking together on his lap. And that nagging of worry, of doubt, does ease when the exact tone and responses don't come to a question that was both uncertain yet sincere from him--instead, he's met with the same from Fabian.
His gaze no longer has a reason to be so searching, when he lets himself listen first and foremost. And maybe he was too many nerves just a moment before, or maybe he was the right amount, when Fabian talks, and it's a conversation so personal that Gorgug is surprised to here on some level, though it doesn't reach his eyes, right now: because what sticks with him more than fret over how to help, if he's helping, or missing any little thing, is...that Fabian was thinking these things. That he was going through this.
Was he? Gorgug doesn't actually know Fabian's mom much at all, and Gilear is Gilear, but he doesn't know what that's like. What Gorgug has is what Fabian says, and the knowledge of Fabian at home, the endless study parties and bravado he's been particularly packing at home that he hasn't put any thought to-- well, neither since being here, or in Elmville. Why would he? There's no reason for it, but some thought of that large sea-manor comes to Gorgug now, as Fabian says he has to prove something.
Gorgug doesn't reach out for a second time. He looks down at his own hands, cupped against one another. There's a familiarity here, he thinks; the shape different, but a pain that's recognisable in growing up. Perhaps recognisable, but still, no less Fabian's, and his heart feels tender for him; where the logic of Fabian's actions may not make sense, but they don't need to. The emotion does, even if it had been so rapid from an outside point of view, was it really? Fabian wants to prove something. He needs something, and while that recognisable shape never led Gorgug towards proving, he knows about want. ]
...I was pissed off at my parents. [ There's a part of Gorgug that almost doesn't let him say it, a small barrier in his throat to admit it, and his gaze flickers over at Fabian, a sharp embarrassment that he feels on his cheeks, his hands wrapping and tucking closer to his stomach in response. ] T-they love me, [ he's quick to continue, ] and I know they always did their best, but I, I don't think they knew what it was like being part orc, and--...I didn't have them, in the stuff I needed them. I was always-- different from them.
[ It's a different shape. His and Fabian's childhoods growing up, the issues that come, from even if Fabian and his own parents weren't so extreme in their differences as Gorgug and his own gnomish parents, he looks at Fabian this time with an understanding that can still maybe be shared between two half-children. Sharing in a vulnerability that Gorgug's never spoken allowed much (if at all), and his shoulders have started to hunch in a familiar way, his bottom lip pouting and pressing against his tusks as his own familiarity with this kind of insecurity takes centre in his mind. ]
I think, [ he says, though he's never thought about it now, and there's a part of him that's unsure, but he's saying it now, wrangling his hands, repeating, lowering his voice, ] it's okay to be pissed at our parents. Fabian. Even if we love them.
[ And that-- and that's the thing that he feels is important here, even though there's doubt behind those words, but a vulnerability as visible as Fabian's own, as this is the issue that Gorgug sees more than any reassurances about what they can do for a fake baby, or reassurances about either of their parents' intentions can do. Because they know their parents love them, they know they can do well with an AI baby, but after both of those things are said and done, they're the ones left after the fact.
Fabian with his complicated feelings of being a fuck up through no fault of his own, and Gorgug with-- stuff he's been working on, but are no less true. ]
[ Fabian has absolutely no idea what Gorgug will say. He's not even thinking about it, especially after the first sentence or so - the rest of the words just spilling out in logical succession, like the tap has been opened and Fabian can't just close it again before it's all gotten out of there. It's only when Gorgug's voice reaches his ears that it draws Fabian enough out of his own thoughts to consider that Gorgug was still here, that he's got something to say about all this, and that it's..
That it's this.
Fabian blinks a little, still staring ahead at the wall at first.
The words feel strange. I didn't have them in the stuff I needed them, Gorgug says, and it feels weirdly relatable but not in the way Fabian expected. Mostly because he never stopped to think about the Thistlesprings. Sure, he knows Gorgug was adopted and all - he's pretty sure that was obvious to all of them way back in freshman year when he couldn't stop asking every single adult male he came across if they were his father - but they always seemed so.. happy. Whenever he saw Gorgug's parents, they always looked like they were doting on him, like they were trying their best for him, and Fabian never stopped to think that maybe it's deeper than that. That maybe all his friends saw whenever they met his mother or father was also just that. That they saw they loved him without all of the messiness that Fabian himself knows comes with that.
He was the same, wasn't he? He thought the same about Gorgug, and it only hits him now that of course the situation could be different for him too if it was also different for Fabian. Of course it was hard for him as someone struggling with a rage he didn't always seem to understand, and which his parents can't have understood well either when they never experienced it themselves, when they might have had trouble putting themselves into their adopted child's shoes.
It makes him finally turn to look at his friend again. There's something sad in his eye - a certain sympathy, a kinship. Partially due to the knowledge of just how hard it is when you don't have your parents in some corners you'd really like to have them, but also because those words after it hit him hard.
It doesn't feel right to even think about them. It's okay to be pissed at our parents. Is it really? Even with everything else, Fabian knows his parents love him. Gorgug must be the same. Can they then really sit here and say this about them? It brings up a weird sense of guilt, a weird sense of shame, but.. at least it's shared. ]
I.. [ His voice feels so weirdly raw. Fabian swallows, and if Gorgug looks over, he'll be able to see that Fabian is tearing up, yet looking like he's fighting the tears in his eye. ] I wish she stayed, Gorgug.
[ It feels awful to admit.
But he is admitting it. Just to Gorgug. Just in this empty hallway, with the two of them and no one else.
He wanted her to be there. To comfort him after the entire deal with the Night Yorb. To attend his games. To see how much better he was getting at dancing, and how much the kids at school looked up to him. To see that he really did try to be a great man, just like his papa but in his own way - just like she asked him to be.
And maybe this isn't part of that. Sitting here, talking about this, confessing all these vulnerable things that make him Fabian, just a teenager, just a child-- they're not part of being a great man of any kind.
But he can't help it. Gorgug it making it feel.. safe. ]
[ It doesn't sit right, between them. This idea--this concept--of holding something against their parents that they never possibly thought about, or had the ability to conceptualise. It's unfair, Gorgug knows it's unfair, because he's thought about it for a long, long time: the things he's wanted from his parents that they could never help with. The guilt of that longing, the anger that bubbled in him, and even how he wished they would get angry at him, and then his second-guessing, how he doesn't want anyone angry at him, he just wants--
He just wants to be understood.
Don't they both want to be understood?
And right now, right here, in this hospital hallway, he and Fabian only have each other: there's no parents to speak to, there's only Fabian admitting his truth, and Gorgug nods at him, reassuring, and he understands, gaze gentle on the one eye looking back at him.
Before Gorgug leans over, and he wraps his arms around Fabian's shoulders, and hugs him for as much the reason to give him comfort as he does privacy for the emotion that was glinting off the artificial lighting. His head tilts in close to Fabian's, and he says, voice full of agreement, ]
You shouldn't have been alone. [ ... ] She should've stayed.
[ It stings. He can feel the tears in his eye, and it stings so bad. It's like it hurts more with every passing moment where he holds back the tears, even as he's dragged into Gorgug's embrace. Even as he allows that movement to happen, not protesting it in the slightest. Not resisting. One moment he's just sitting, and the next he's leaning against Gorgug.
It's.. kind of warm. Gorgug is closer than expected, especially when he can hear the other's voice suddenly so close to one of his ears. Even though Fabian has done a whole lot of physical contact over the past while - both back home and in this place - it feels like this is the most intense physical contact that didn't involve battle of some kind he's had in.. well, a long time. Maybe even since the last time he hugged Gorgug, that time when they went through a very different, yet still equally upsetting time.
Fabian remembers that feeling. He remembers how terrified he had been in the forest, terrified even when he decided to accept his fate in order to be able to save his friends. He remembers the relief in holding Gorgug after that, clinging to the half-orc like he hadn't seen the other in a century.
His hands slowly rise. His body turns to fit into the hug a little better, rather than making the way they lean against each other all awkward. He wraps his arms around his friend as well, shifting his head until it's buried against the other's hoodie. ]
You-- You too.
[ He managed to force out, sounding oddly choked up and half-muffled against Gorgug's clothes. ]
You should've had someone who.. understood. You should've had more help.
[ Not that the Thistlesprings didn't likely do everything they could, but that's the difficult part of it, right? Sometimes people love you, and it's still not enough.
Fabian's tone shifts, to a point where it's pretty obvious he's crying now, even if it's clinging to Gorgug enough to hide his face. ]
.. It's stupid. I thought it-- that it'd all get easier with time. [ And yet it feels like it gets harder every single year. For him, anyway. But with how stressed out Gorgug has seemed - and how so much of that revolved around his rage too, once more - maybe it counts for the both of them. ]
[ As much as Gorgug can appreciate the sentiment, this isn't about him, right now, he thinks. His feelings about his parents isn't what has one of them breaking down in a hospital hallway right now, though they've still been useful in making a connection. Gorgug doesn't mind sharing it with Fabian, and he doesn't mind holding him now, feeling how his body moves--how he breathes--against him.
He's not going to draw attention to his tears. Gorgug is going to keep those tears with him, straight to his grave, whenever that is. ]
You haven't had time. [ Isn't that the problem? Things getting easier with time surely means having something to help heal the wound, when--there's none of that here. There's nothing Fabian's been able to do to address it. ]
I found...I dealt with my problems over years. Your mom's still on her trip. You should... you should talk to her when you see her again. [ That might be difficult--maybe Fabian wanted nothing more than to keep it in and bury it, and never deal with it like a man should, but Gorgug squeezes his arms as he says it, as if to shut off any protests. Reassuring, reminding Fabian: ] It's not stupid--you're her family. You're still her family.
[ And that should count for a lot. If not, then Fabian's mom doesn't deserve him. She's not a good mom, and that's that. ]
[ That's the problem. Fabian wants to protest. The squeeze manages to soothe him a little, keep him quiet for a few more moments, but it feels so hard to say that sure, he'll do it. Especially because he doesn't want to say that if he doesn't truly intend on doing it. Maybe he would have in another situation, but.. all of this is too serious. He owes it to Gorgug to at least be serious about it if he says that.
And he's not sure he can be.
He shakes his head - something that Gorgug will likely feel more than he'll see, given their current close proximity. ]
I don't want to.
[ So he's honest. Even though it's not really an answer that helps his friend, or his kind attempt at helping Fabian - he doesn't want to lie either. ]
When she gets back, she's going to be busy with her and Gilear's wedding. And maybe she'll be pregnant already. She'll have so much to think about, and I-- I can't be part of that. [ He has to be better than that. Stronger than that. Isn't that how he was raised?
His parents would expect better of him, surely. ]
She only just got sober after papa died. I don't want to ruin that and set everything back by causing trouble.
[ It's fascinating in a not-so-great way - the way Fabian will hype himself up everywhere he goes, and yet he seems determined to be as unobtrusive of an entry in his own parents' lives, judging by how he's speaking right now. ]
[ I can't be part of that, Fabian says, and he might as well be saying, I can't be a part of my family.
And that hurts. It hurts Gorgug, to hear Fabian say that, and to have it come after admitting he doesn't want to speak to his own mom, and why does it have to be that way? This isn't something that Gorgug thinks he can convince of Fabian right here. To be honest, he thinks he would go directly to the mother in question if they were back in Spyre, because surely--surely she would want to know. Surely she's not that bad of a mother, and Gorgug has never thought her bad, but he just doesn't know her. ]
...Okay. [ It's not okay. He wants to protest, to demand, but there's a struggle in if he's missing some bigger part of the picture that makes Grogug reluctant. Hesitant. Still, slowly, he moves back enough just so he can look Fabian in the face His head bent, arms still hanging somewhere over his shoulders. ]
I don't really believe your mom would think that, or Gilear--but I know I can't do anything to prove that. [ Briefly, he looks down at the space between them. ] So, instead... I'm sorry you've been this alone and I never noticed it, back in Spyre. I think, whatever happens, you can tell me how you're feeling, and it won't be any trouble to me. I know we haven't talked a lot about anything except the dead god and the murders and everything...
[ He slips one of his arms down, and holds out a fist. ]
But we're a team. If you need someone--we're all here. I'm here.
[ That's the thing, isn't it? It's not even that Fabian believes his mother would think that, not necessarily. If he told her that he was feeling this way, he's pretty sure she'd fuss over him. That she'd call him her little poppet, and give him kisses on the forehead. The problem is so much more that everything feels so delicate with them having been gone so long, and so much changing in his family all at once, and it feels like doing the wrong thing has such a big chance of making it all tumble down.
It feels too difficult to explain though. And since Gorgug is moving on, it feels easier to just go along with that. It's hard enough to talk about these things as-is, and with Gorgug pulling back a little, Fabian raises a hand to violently rub at his eye, like he's trying to stop his own tears. ]
You're busy though. [ He manages to say. ] I know you've been.
[ That's the reason no one has been around. Everyone is just-- just busy. And Fabian has been trying really hard to respect that, no matter how much being all alone hurt. ]
And I know you're worried about that even here. [ It's not like he hasn't noticed. Gorgug may have been here for a shorter time than all of them, but Fabian has seen him fuss over the idea of being here rather than back home, and all the school work he could be missing out on. School work Gorgug will need. ] I know you have to focus on that, since you want to go to college.
[ And if that means there's no space left for Fabian, then-- well, there just isn't.
He's learned at a young age that sometimes there just isn't space for you between the interests of your parents other people. ]
[ He has been focusing on artificing, on schoolwork that he must be missing, his change of environments not letting him lose that hovering dread of failing everything, failing his dreams. It's carried over, and--it's important to him. Even if they're not at school, he wants to do good. He wants to make himself proud of his achievements, and the potential for shit going bad has made it easy to tell himself to keep studying.
There is a Gorgug that wants to go college. But he drops his gaze to his fist, his expression complicated, furrowing in that deeply concentrated way that comes easily to Gorgug as he looks back at Fabian. The fist lowers, rested against his leg. ]
College isn't here. If we don't do what we have to here, there won't be a college. [ There won't be a home, he doesn't say. There won't be anyone. ]
But you're here. And I don't want to be...a bad friend. [ Isn't this what this is? Being a bad friend. ] You and the others are all I have here. You're--
[ Important? Special? My friend? What else defines those things better? It's not you, it's-- ]
[ Fabian raises his gaze to look at the other. Despite the fact that he's still looking a little bit like a mess - his one eye red from crying, the stains still visible on his cheeks despite his best efforts to wipe away the tears, his shirt still as dirty as it had been when Gorgug first spotted him with the baby earlier today..
Despite it all, he's smiling a little bit. It's a sad smile, but it's the sadness visible in it that keeps it from looking fake. However sad this smile looks, it's a real smile all the same. ]
You were never a bad friend.
[ Not that Gorgug is necessarily assuming he was, but Fabian just wants to reassure him. He doesn't think the other could be a bad friend even if he'd try. Gorgug is always thinking about everyone around him - he was thinking about all of them even back in the Nightmare Forest, back when all of them seemed at their lowest lows.
And Fabian doesn't blame him for his loneliness. He doesn't blame any of the Bad Kids. He doesn't blame his mother, he doesn't blame Gilear.. (Well, maybe he blames Gilear just a little bit. Because it's Gilear.) It's a weird thing - feeling so hurt, but not blaming anyone but yourself for it, despite the isolation and the loneliness not necessarily being created by you in the first place. ]
But.. If you do have some time to spend with me here.. [ His voice trails off for a moment. Asking for this feels weird after Fabian spent months denying himself this. Telling himself over and over that it was better, that he could think of ways to keep himself occupied, that it was his problem and no one else's.
But now Gorgug already saw him stupidly cry over it, it feels a little easier, weirdly enough. Not entirely easy, but.. easier. ]
[ He is glad to hear that--You're not a bad friend. Even if Gorgug thinks he can be a better friend, or maybe: there's a way for all of them to be better friends. To have them check in with one another once in a while, to know where their heads are at.
Good in theory. Who knows how it will turn out in practice? But Gorgug appreciates this opportunity before him, even with the tears that have been shed, the pain that has come with them. A chance for Fabian to be less alone, and there's a lot of ways that can look (a constant sleepover pile is probably not it, but the spirit of it? sure)--but they can figure that out later.
For now, he's smiling at Fabian, feeling easier around the shoulders. ]
Yeah. I can come over when you get home and go before the curfew. [ Because of the family...restrictions. ] You've got more room. I can leave my projects with you.
[ So it makes sense, doesn't it? For Gorgug to be over at Fabian's, over and over.
But his smile does drop at a thought, and his expression becomes more...wince-like. ]
...and I'll, I can-- I'll figure out how to help with the baby.
[ Even if he's ready for Fabian to say he doesn't need to, and--fair enough, honestly. It's okay. He won't take it (that) personally. ]
[ Gorgug is definitely assuming the right thing here. Fabian doesn't mind the idea of Gorgug coming over at all for very obvious reasons, and Gorgug leaving the stuff he's working on at Fabian's place makes even more sense when Gorgug has to share his house with way more people than Fabian. Considering these houses in this weird town are practically all the same, it leaves Fabian's house with way more extra space. He could easily give Gorgug an entire room to leave his projects in and work on them.
But the part that follows - the very reason they're sitting here in this weird hospital hallway in the first place - is what turns Fabian's facial expression a little bit more complicated as well. ]
Are you sure?
[ Their initial attempt was.. not a great success, after all.
And he doesn't really imagine Gorgug as the baby type. Hell, Fabian himself isn't even really the baby type, it's just that the idea of abandoning even this very fake baby leaves a nasty aftertaste in his mouth between all his various complexes.
But does he really need to involve his friend in that? Especially if-- ]
If you don't want to, that's fine. I get that it's.. [ His voice trails off for a moment, sounding a little awkward, despite having clued Gorgug much more in than most people as to why Fabian is bothering to care about this baby in the first place. ] .. It's probably weird.
[ But it's definitely weird because Gorgug ripped a limb off, right.
He's definitely grimacing at that thought and the concern, and--okay. He said he'd learn to figure out babies, but before he does.... ]
You change the baby, and I'll, um-- I'll do the milk next time. [ Cann he get milk wrong? He's not sure if it's possible to get milk wrong. ] Did it come with a manual? I can read the manual, or I'll look something up in the library.
[ Why not, Fabian!! He's already turning into a nerd about everything else!! Let him become a nerd over a fake baby! ]
Then he closes it again. Close to baffled, but not fully there. ]
Gorgug, you-- you know that babies don't usually come with manuals, right?
[ Granted, he could just be thinking it since it's a fake baby and all.. But Fabian is pretty sure even fake babies aren't supposed to come with manuals when this place is trying so hard to pretend to be a normal city with normal people living in it for some reason. Of course they would also pretend that the babies are totally normal, despite them clearly being fake. ]
I think I.. [ .. He went to 'I' by default, but then presses his lips together. Waffles, hesitates, still adjusting, but then tries: ] .. I think we will just have to figure it out.
[ The words still sit within him a little uneasily, as new as they are, but-- Fabian truly is trying here, Gorgug. Trying to internalize what you've told him. ]
[ Honestly rude that the fake baby doesn't come with a manual?? That's just common decency!!! ]
...I'll look in the library. [ Look. This is still an option. If they can't have a manual, there's sure to be something in their library. Gorgug's been nicking taking out all kinds of books in there!!! He just never thought to look up baby handling 101.
Until now. ]
I mean, there's gotta be something. What if you've never been around a baby? I haven't really been around babies before, 'cept passing them on the street.
I'll ask some people too. Actually, I already asked a guy to give me tips. He's letting me visit him later to see his baby.
[ Speaking of!! Listen how seriously he's trying to take this (so he doesn't pull an arm off again!!!) ]
[ There's so much he could say here, especially in regards to the manual stuff. Fabian wants to say that this place never intended to help them out - it's just never that useful. Even if Fabian has no idea why them suffering not knowing how to take care of babies would be beneficial to this place or who is in control of it, there has to be a reason as to why it is making them feel so helpless. It seems weirdly purposeful.
But he's tired. After throwing all this emotion out here, and after all the turmoil that came before it - he's too tired to get into it, especially when Fabian is already sure his friend understands it anyway. ]
.. thanks.
[ That feels better to say. Because thinking of this place only makes him frown and feel bad, but thinking about Gorgug's sweet, genuine effort at least does put a smile on Fabian's face as he looks at his friend. ]
I am, uh.. [ He hesitates a little, but then decides to let go of that hesitancy, to just fully trust Gorgug here. ] I am slightly tired though after all this.
[ Slightly is an understatement, judging by the way Fabian looks right now. It's practically the same way he looked after the whole deal with the Night Yorb. ]
Would I mind if I napped on you for a little bit? [ Not like they haven't done it before, all of them curled up together in the little space the Hangvan had for all their bodies. ] Just until they are done with the baby.
[ The request isn't weird at all. Gorgug even starts, without thinking: ]
Do you wanna sit on-- um, [ actually, you know what, ] --yeah, sure, you can nap.
[ You know what? He actually thought. He thought and decided 'do you wanna sit on my lap' was a bad thing to ask a guy friend, or maybe most friends, that are not Fig, and he's willing to draw as much attention away from what he was beginning to say to what his actual answer was: by bringing an arm back around Fabian's shoulders, ready to tuck him in closer to himself once Fabian shuffles himself in whatever direction he pleases. Gorgug's angled on the chair, but he'll put up with that. It's not uncomfortable. ]
Fig says I'm comfortable.
[ And he hopes he is now, offering his arm like he is like a sort of ineffectual blanket. Or a blanket solely for one's shoulders. ]
[ Of course Fabian has no idea what Gorgug was about to say. It probably wasn't all that important if he's pivoting to the answer to the question instead so quickly - and when Gorgug is already giving Fabian the perfect spot here. There's apparently no shame about a bro practically cuddling up against a bro's side here, since Fabian scoots even closer until he's practically tucked himself against Gorgug's side.
It feels kind of nice. Especially since going from the situation in the Hangvan during their Night Yorb chase - months of sleeping together in a pile - to sleeping entirely by himself in a way too big house was a little bit too much at once. Feeling something warm against him as he sleeps reminds him of better times than the emptiness. ]
I think Fig is biased. [ He can't help but say, but a moment later he's already closing his eye once he's gotten comfortable enough. ] .. though she might not be entirely wrong.
[ Fabian feels more comfortable than he expected to, anyway. It really does feel kind of nice. Maybe Fig was onto something here. ]
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But as worried as he is about Fabian's ire, it doesn't seem that he's angry, weirdly enough. Fabian is looking right at Gorgug, but there's no anger on the half-elf's face. His look is almost weirdly blank at first, but then when Gorgug continues to actually apologize, it changes to something a little more sad. Like something about hearing those words practically leaves him in pain.
Even so, it still takes a moment before he can say something in return. Just a pause that's slightly longer than necessary between Gorgug's last word and Fabian's first. ]
.. I fucked up.
[ It's all he has to say for a moment, though it's clear that he's sitting on more words that won't come out so easily, judging by the way his mouth opens and closes a few times before she actually speaks on. ]
It's not you. [ Well, technically it was Gorgug. Gorgug breaking off the baby's arm is a very objective fact.
But maybe that isn't what Fabian exactly means here, considering there's something so heavy to his voice. Like something that he's been thinking about this entire time during this silence is finally slowly spilling out. ]
It's me. I couldn't do it. I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.
[ Maybe the words don't even make much sense to the other, but Fabian doesn't realize as much. They make sense within his own thoughts, after all, and those have been keeping him company this entire time. ]
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Gorgug knows there's something more here going on. Rather--what Fabian is saying doesn't match with events, or it's taking responsibility for what happened on a more personal level than is actually fair on the other guy. They both freaked, and Gorgug certainly broke an arm off there. So Fabian's response to his apologies silences him, confuses him, as he tries to wrap his head around what Fabian exactly means.
He could understand anger towards himself, but this blame--it's another thing, and Gorgug is staring at him, puzzled, but also with concern; like he's once again being confronted with something foreign, but this time, it's not a screaming baby. ]
You could do it, [ he's sure to start off with--perhaps not immediately, but almost jumping to reassure once Gorgug finds his voice. ] You just, we weren't ready for a baby, and that kind of responsibility is a lot-- we can try again. Do you wanna try again?
[ There's a we that's been placed here, and it makes sense for Gorgug, who doesn't decide to explain the obvious point that he's responsible here, and is willing to carry on with that responsibility. A half-orc can't break his bro's baby's arm off and then not help out, right?
They just need another chance, and the question is posed soothingly, gently. Reassuring: It's okay, Fabian. ]
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Fabian couldn't explain it. He's not even sure he can explain to to himself. And it has nothing to do with Gorgug, it's just-- just something about the words. It feels like they're wrapping themselves around his heart, squeezing tight. We weren't ready for a baby, and that kind of responsibility is a lot. ]
That's not-- That's not how it works. [ He pulls back suddenly, sitting upright again. Fabian turns his head to stare at Gorgug, and his one eye is very wide, like something has startled him. Even the movement was very much like a jolt. ]
You can't just try again with a baby. [ Except you can. In this place. It's why they're here in the hospital hallway, waiting for their baby to be returned as good as new.
And yet Fabian seems so weirdly convinced of his words - like he's speaking of something else entirely. ]
You have a baby, and then you have one chance, and if you fuck it up then, you can't just start over! [ He's obviously upset. His tone is upset. But it doesn't seem to be plain anger at all, let alone anger being leveled at Gorgug right now.
Instead Fabian weirdly sounds like he's getting closer and closer to the edge of crying with every single word that leaves his mouth. ]
You'll have fucked up forever! And I fucked up! I fucked it up big time, Gorgug!
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Fabian.
[ Instead, he only has the time to place his hands on top of Fabian's shoulders, turning his body weight to face the other too; eyes searching him, and pleading for his attention. Hoping still that he might be able to figure out where this anxiety is coming from.
But in those few seconds, his hands drop from the top of his shoulders to the sides, squeezing them in a comforting manner (trying, to not be too hard), his gaze tinged with the sadness of hearing a friend speak like this.
Speaking so afraid. ]
You haven't fucked up forever, [ Gorgug says, his voice softer, his eyes nowhere else but staying on Fabian. Reassuring--telling him. ] I promise.
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But whereas he usually just shoves everything down, it feels harder now. It's like right back after Leviathan, when everything had been so overwhelming that he straight up couldn't hide what happened from his friends when they asked. Because all the emotion - fear, upset, guilt, inadequacy, guilt guilt guilt - spilled right out.
This is like that. The conscious part of Fabian wants to keep this all on the inside. No one has to know. It's fine. He can just keep on going, and no one has to know.
It's not the part of Fabian that's in control right now, however. No, the part that's in control suddenly spills out: ]
Gorgug, mama is--
[ It sounds completely irrelevant, aside from one thing about what he's about to say being involved in this situation too, but it actually is connected. It's part of a long string of things connecting this situation here to everything Fabian has been constantly worried about for most of the last year. ]
Mama is probably having a baby. [ Right, Gorgug wouldn't know. He didn't recognize his tattoo either. He wouldn't know. ] With Gilear.
[ Fabian stares at Gorgug with terror, even now. Perhaps due to the topic he just started on - like being faced with the drop of a rollercoaster right before you go all the way down and see the awful rest of it -, or maybe partially because he's expecting to be met with ridicule for being upset about something like that. It's what happened before, after all. No one seemed to understand, and Fabian wasn't willing to make them understand either. ]
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That's obvious; where all of Gorgug's previous desire to reach out to Fabian in this moment becomes answered, puzzling as it first starts off when Fabian brings up his mama, and now--and now what does he do with it?
This?
There is so much going on here, and Gorgug can better feel its presence, but it's not his burden: it's not his fear that's leaking out in that confession, right after the panic of not having second chances, you've screwed up forever. But--Gorgug knows that it couldn't have been from something that Fabian's mom told him, right? And there's something else, something more, and this is so delicate for someone with the clumsiest hands, his own fear of taking the wrong step. Saying the wrong thing.
Surprise lifts in his gaze initially, but then worries into something searching Fabian's face--no judgment, and not even the kind of clear confusion that Gorgug wears so well creases his features, but instead the tightly knotted brow that indicates when he's thinking carefully, processing. ]
Okay. [ It's not said slowly, but spoken in acknowledgement. His hands haven't dropped. ] Do you-- are you worried... about being replaced by the new baby?
[ Should he have just for Fabian to explain himself? It gnaws at Gorgug, the worry that he's asking something so obvious, and right now, he doesn't want to give Fabian any reasons to draw away. And maybe there was something said or done that he doesn't know about, or that Fabian's just freaking out at this change coming in his life.
This is delicate, and he's ill-equipped to deal with this--but so is his friend, and he wants to hold onto this anyway, with him. ]
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You know what? Maybe he would have taken the ridicule. It certainly can't be worse than being faced with this question of all things. It makes Fabian look more and more vulnerable - almost smaller - under Gorgug's gaze with each passing moment, and he finally turns to move out of the hold Gorgug has on his arms, instead seeming to curl in on himself a little.
After all, the answer to that question is not even just difficult for Fabian to voice, it's already difficult enough to just figure out. ]
No! Or.. [ ... ] I mean, I-- I know she loves me very much.
[ He isn't even looking at Gorgug.
He can't. Fabian wouldn't even be able to look at himself while saying this, let alone at someone else. Trying to voice things that have lived in his thoughts for months, and in his heart for perhaps even longer. He's never even fully reached in there himself, too scared of what he'd find. Life was easier just-- moving on. Going on. ]
It's just-- She seems so happy with Gilear. All the time. And she talks constantly about how they're going to be married for hundreds and hundreds of years together, and I-- I won't make it that far. [ The lifespan of half-elves are nothing compared to actual elves, after all. Fabian likely won't even make two hunderd, and that's if he makes it to old age in the first place. ] I thought maybe she wanted a baby that actually could live with her for that long. A family that's exactly like her, not different like me and papa.
[ Fabian's fingers idly pluck at a stray thread on his clothes. It's a nervous gesture. ]
Especially since-- Mama loves me. [ It's repeated from a moment ago, but he doesn't even seem to realize. Maybe he's trying to tell it to himself more than he's telling it to Gorgug. Trying to remind himself, convince himself. (Because she does, she knows, he knows, and he'd never want to talk badly about her, but--) ] But she was never really interested in me as a baby.
[ Or, you know, after that.
But even voicing this little feels so wrong to him. It feels like he's betraying his mother by saying it. Like he's betraying himself. He knows it's not like she doesn't care, it's just-- it's complicated. It's all so complicated. ]
I thought that if I could raise a baby the right way here, then I could-- I could prove something.
[ To her? To himself? To the world? Who knows. Fabian sure doesn't. ]
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His gaze no longer has a reason to be so searching, when he lets himself listen first and foremost. And maybe he was too many nerves just a moment before, or maybe he was the right amount, when Fabian talks, and it's a conversation so personal that Gorgug is surprised to here on some level, though it doesn't reach his eyes, right now: because what sticks with him more than fret over how to help, if he's helping, or missing any little thing, is...that Fabian was thinking these things. That he was going through this.
Was he? Gorgug doesn't actually know Fabian's mom much at all, and Gilear is Gilear, but he doesn't know what that's like. What Gorgug has is what Fabian says, and the knowledge of Fabian at home, the endless study parties and bravado he's been particularly packing at home that he hasn't put any thought to-- well, neither since being here, or in Elmville. Why would he? There's no reason for it, but some thought of that large sea-manor comes to Gorgug now, as Fabian says he has to prove something.
Gorgug doesn't reach out for a second time. He looks down at his own hands, cupped against one another. There's a familiarity here, he thinks; the shape different, but a pain that's recognisable in growing up. Perhaps recognisable, but still, no less Fabian's, and his heart feels tender for him; where the logic of Fabian's actions may not make sense, but they don't need to. The emotion does, even if it had been so rapid from an outside point of view, was it really? Fabian wants to prove something. He needs something, and while that recognisable shape never led Gorgug towards proving, he knows about want. ]
...I was pissed off at my parents. [ There's a part of Gorgug that almost doesn't let him say it, a small barrier in his throat to admit it, and his gaze flickers over at Fabian, a sharp embarrassment that he feels on his cheeks, his hands wrapping and tucking closer to his stomach in response. ] T-they love me, [ he's quick to continue, ] and I know they always did their best, but I, I don't think they knew what it was like being part orc, and--...I didn't have them, in the stuff I needed them. I was always-- different from them.
[ It's a different shape. His and Fabian's childhoods growing up, the issues that come, from even if Fabian and his own parents weren't so extreme in their differences as Gorgug and his own gnomish parents, he looks at Fabian this time with an understanding that can still maybe be shared between two half-children. Sharing in a vulnerability that Gorgug's never spoken allowed much (if at all), and his shoulders have started to hunch in a familiar way, his bottom lip pouting and pressing against his tusks as his own familiarity with this kind of insecurity takes centre in his mind. ]
I think, [ he says, though he's never thought about it now, and there's a part of him that's unsure, but he's saying it now, wrangling his hands, repeating, lowering his voice, ] it's okay to be pissed at our parents. Fabian. Even if we love them.
[ And that-- and that's the thing that he feels is important here, even though there's doubt behind those words, but a vulnerability as visible as Fabian's own, as this is the issue that Gorgug sees more than any reassurances about what they can do for a fake baby, or reassurances about either of their parents' intentions can do. Because they know their parents love them, they know they can do well with an AI baby, but after both of those things are said and done, they're the ones left after the fact.
Fabian with his complicated feelings of being a fuck up through no fault of his own, and Gorgug with-- stuff he's been working on, but are no less true. ]
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That it's this.
Fabian blinks a little, still staring ahead at the wall at first.
The words feel strange. I didn't have them in the stuff I needed them, Gorgug says, and it feels weirdly relatable but not in the way Fabian expected. Mostly because he never stopped to think about the Thistlesprings. Sure, he knows Gorgug was adopted and all - he's pretty sure that was obvious to all of them way back in freshman year when he couldn't stop asking every single adult male he came across if they were his father - but they always seemed so.. happy. Whenever he saw Gorgug's parents, they always looked like they were doting on him, like they were trying their best for him, and Fabian never stopped to think that maybe it's deeper than that. That maybe all his friends saw whenever they met his mother or father was also just that. That they saw they loved him without all of the messiness that Fabian himself knows comes with that.
He was the same, wasn't he? He thought the same about Gorgug, and it only hits him now that of course the situation could be different for him too if it was also different for Fabian. Of course it was hard for him as someone struggling with a rage he didn't always seem to understand, and which his parents can't have understood well either when they never experienced it themselves, when they might have had trouble putting themselves into their adopted child's shoes.
It makes him finally turn to look at his friend again. There's something sad in his eye - a certain sympathy, a kinship. Partially due to the knowledge of just how hard it is when you don't have your parents in some corners you'd really like to have them, but also because those words after it hit him hard.
It doesn't feel right to even think about them. It's okay to be pissed at our parents. Is it really? Even with everything else, Fabian knows his parents love him. Gorgug must be the same. Can they then really sit here and say this about them? It brings up a weird sense of guilt, a weird sense of shame, but.. at least it's shared. ]
I.. [ His voice feels so weirdly raw. Fabian swallows, and if Gorgug looks over, he'll be able to see that Fabian is tearing up, yet looking like he's fighting the tears in his eye. ] I wish she stayed, Gorgug.
[ It feels awful to admit.
But he is admitting it. Just to Gorgug. Just in this empty hallway, with the two of them and no one else.
He wanted her to be there. To comfort him after the entire deal with the Night Yorb. To attend his games. To see how much better he was getting at dancing, and how much the kids at school looked up to him. To see that he really did try to be a great man, just like his papa but in his own way - just like she asked him to be.
And maybe this isn't part of that. Sitting here, talking about this, confessing all these vulnerable things that make him Fabian, just a teenager, just a child-- they're not part of being a great man of any kind.
But he can't help it. Gorgug it making it feel.. safe. ]
I didn't want to be alone.
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He just wants to be understood.
Don't they both want to be understood?
And right now, right here, in this hospital hallway, he and Fabian only have each other: there's no parents to speak to, there's only Fabian admitting his truth, and Gorgug nods at him, reassuring, and he understands, gaze gentle on the one eye looking back at him.
Before Gorgug leans over, and he wraps his arms around Fabian's shoulders, and hugs him for as much the reason to give him comfort as he does privacy for the emotion that was glinting off the artificial lighting. His head tilts in close to Fabian's, and he says, voice full of agreement, ]
You shouldn't have been alone. [ ... ] She should've stayed.
[ It's the least that any mother can do. ]
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It's.. kind of warm. Gorgug is closer than expected, especially when he can hear the other's voice suddenly so close to one of his ears. Even though Fabian has done a whole lot of physical contact over the past while - both back home and in this place - it feels like this is the most intense physical contact that didn't involve battle of some kind he's had in.. well, a long time. Maybe even since the last time he hugged Gorgug, that time when they went through a very different, yet still equally upsetting time.
Fabian remembers that feeling. He remembers how terrified he had been in the forest, terrified even when he decided to accept his fate in order to be able to save his friends. He remembers the relief in holding Gorgug after that, clinging to the half-orc like he hadn't seen the other in a century.
His hands slowly rise. His body turns to fit into the hug a little better, rather than making the way they lean against each other all awkward. He wraps his arms around his friend as well, shifting his head until it's buried against the other's hoodie. ]
You-- You too.
[ He managed to force out, sounding oddly choked up and half-muffled against Gorgug's clothes. ]
You should've had someone who.. understood. You should've had more help.
[ Not that the Thistlesprings didn't likely do everything they could, but that's the difficult part of it, right? Sometimes people love you, and it's still not enough.
Fabian's tone shifts, to a point where it's pretty obvious he's crying now, even if it's clinging to Gorgug enough to hide his face. ]
.. It's stupid. I thought it-- that it'd all get easier with time. [ And yet it feels like it gets harder every single year. For him, anyway. But with how stressed out Gorgug has seemed - and how so much of that revolved around his rage too, once more - maybe it counts for the both of them. ]
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He's not going to draw attention to his tears. Gorgug is going to keep those tears with him, straight to his grave, whenever that is. ]
You haven't had time. [ Isn't that the problem? Things getting easier with time surely means having something to help heal the wound, when--there's none of that here. There's nothing Fabian's been able to do to address it. ]
I found...I dealt with my problems over years. Your mom's still on her trip. You should... you should talk to her when you see her again. [ That might be difficult--maybe Fabian wanted nothing more than to keep it in and bury it, and never deal with it like a man should, but Gorgug squeezes his arms as he says it, as if to shut off any protests. Reassuring, reminding Fabian: ] It's not stupid--you're her family. You're still her family.
[ And that should count for a lot. If not, then Fabian's mom doesn't deserve him. She's not a good mom, and that's that. ]
cw: mention of alcoholism
And he's not sure he can be.
He shakes his head - something that Gorgug will likely feel more than he'll see, given their current close proximity. ]
I don't want to.
[ So he's honest. Even though it's not really an answer that helps his friend, or his kind attempt at helping Fabian - he doesn't want to lie either. ]
When she gets back, she's going to be busy with her and Gilear's wedding. And maybe she'll be pregnant already. She'll have so much to think about, and I-- I can't be part of that. [ He has to be better than that. Stronger than that. Isn't that how he was raised?
His parents would expect better of him, surely. ]
She only just got sober after papa died. I don't want to ruin that and set everything back by causing trouble.
[ It's fascinating in a not-so-great way - the way Fabian will hype himself up everywhere he goes, and yet he seems determined to be as unobtrusive of an entry in his own parents' lives, judging by how he's speaking right now. ]
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And that hurts. It hurts Gorgug, to hear Fabian say that, and to have it come after admitting he doesn't want to speak to his own mom, and why does it have to be that way? This isn't something that Gorgug thinks he can convince of Fabian right here. To be honest, he thinks he would go directly to the mother in question if they were back in Spyre, because surely--surely she would want to know. Surely she's not that bad of a mother, and Gorgug has never thought her bad, but he just doesn't know her. ]
...Okay. [ It's not okay. He wants to protest, to demand, but there's a struggle in if he's missing some bigger part of the picture that makes Grogug reluctant. Hesitant. Still, slowly, he moves back enough just so he can look Fabian in the face His head bent, arms still hanging somewhere over his shoulders. ]
I don't really believe your mom would think that, or Gilear--but I know I can't do anything to prove that. [ Briefly, he looks down at the space between them. ] So, instead... I'm sorry you've been this alone and I never noticed it, back in Spyre. I think, whatever happens, you can tell me how you're feeling, and it won't be any trouble to me. I know we haven't talked a lot about anything except the dead god and the murders and everything...
[ He slips one of his arms down, and holds out a fist. ]
But we're a team. If you need someone--we're all here. I'm here.
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It feels too difficult to explain though. And since Gorgug is moving on, it feels easier to just go along with that. It's hard enough to talk about these things as-is, and with Gorgug pulling back a little, Fabian raises a hand to violently rub at his eye, like he's trying to stop his own tears. ]
You're busy though. [ He manages to say. ] I know you've been.
[ That's the reason no one has been around. Everyone is just-- just busy. And Fabian has been trying really hard to respect that, no matter how much being all alone hurt. ]
And I know you're worried about that even here. [ It's not like he hasn't noticed. Gorgug may have been here for a shorter time than all of them, but Fabian has seen him fuss over the idea of being here rather than back home, and all the school work he could be missing out on. School work Gorgug will need. ] I know you have to focus on that, since you want to go to college.
[ And if that means there's no space left for Fabian, then-- well, there just isn't.
He's learned at a young age that sometimes there just isn't space for you between the interests of
your parentsother people. ]no subject
There is a Gorgug that wants to go college. But he drops his gaze to his fist, his expression complicated, furrowing in that deeply concentrated way that comes easily to Gorgug as he looks back at Fabian. The fist lowers, rested against his leg. ]
College isn't here. If we don't do what we have to here, there won't be a college. [ There won't be a home, he doesn't say. There won't be anyone. ]
But you're here. And I don't want to be...a bad friend. [ Isn't this what this is? Being a bad friend. ] You and the others are all I have here. You're--
[ Important? Special? My friend? What else defines those things better? It's not you, it's-- ]
--we're the Bad Kids.
[ We're a team. ]
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Despite it all, he's smiling a little bit. It's a sad smile, but it's the sadness visible in it that keeps it from looking fake. However sad this smile looks, it's a real smile all the same. ]
You were never a bad friend.
[ Not that Gorgug is necessarily assuming he was, but Fabian just wants to reassure him. He doesn't think the other could be a bad friend even if he'd try. Gorgug is always thinking about everyone around him - he was thinking about all of them even back in the Nightmare Forest, back when all of them seemed at their lowest lows.
And Fabian doesn't blame him for his loneliness. He doesn't blame any of the Bad Kids. He doesn't blame his mother, he doesn't blame Gilear.. (Well, maybe he blames Gilear just a little bit. Because it's Gilear.) It's a weird thing - feeling so hurt, but not blaming anyone but yourself for it, despite the isolation and the loneliness not necessarily being created by you in the first place. ]
But.. If you do have some time to spend with me here.. [ His voice trails off for a moment. Asking for this feels weird after Fabian spent months denying himself this. Telling himself over and over that it was better, that he could think of ways to keep himself occupied, that it was his problem and no one else's.
But now Gorgug already saw him stupidly cry over it, it feels a little easier, weirdly enough. Not entirely easy, but.. easier. ]
.. I would appreciate that.
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Good in theory. Who knows how it will turn out in practice? But Gorgug appreciates this opportunity before him, even with the tears that have been shed, the pain that has come with them. A chance for Fabian to be less alone, and there's a lot of ways that can look (a constant sleepover pile is probably not it, but the spirit of it? sure)--but they can figure that out later.
For now, he's smiling at Fabian, feeling easier around the shoulders. ]
Yeah. I can come over when you get home and go before the curfew. [ Because of the family...restrictions. ] You've got more room. I can leave my projects with you.
[ So it makes sense, doesn't it? For Gorgug to be over at Fabian's, over and over.
But his smile does drop at a thought, and his expression becomes more...wince-like. ]
...and I'll, I can-- I'll figure out how to help with the baby.
[ Even if he's ready for Fabian to say he doesn't need to, and--fair enough, honestly. It's okay. He won't take it (that) personally. ]
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But the part that follows - the very reason they're sitting here in this weird hospital hallway in the first place - is what turns Fabian's facial expression a little bit more complicated as well. ]
Are you sure?
[ Their initial attempt was.. not a great success, after all.
And he doesn't really imagine Gorgug as the baby type. Hell, Fabian himself isn't even really the baby type, it's just that the idea of abandoning even this very fake baby leaves a nasty aftertaste in his mouth between all his various complexes.
But does he really need to involve his friend in that? Especially if-- ]
If you don't want to, that's fine. I get that it's.. [ His voice trails off for a moment, sounding a little awkward, despite having clued Gorgug much more in than most people as to why Fabian is bothering to care about this baby in the first place. ] .. It's probably weird.
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He's definitely grimacing at that thought and the concern, and--okay. He said he'd learn to figure out babies, but before he does.... ]
You change the baby, and I'll, um-- I'll do the milk next time. [ Cann he get milk wrong? He's not sure if it's possible to get milk wrong. ] Did it come with a manual? I can read the manual, or I'll look something up in the library.
[ Why not, Fabian!! He's already turning into a nerd about everything else!! Let him become a nerd over a fake baby! ]
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Then he closes it again. Close to baffled, but not fully there. ]
Gorgug, you-- you know that babies don't usually come with manuals, right?
[ Granted, he could just be thinking it since it's a fake baby and all.. But Fabian is pretty sure even fake babies aren't supposed to come with manuals when this place is trying so hard to pretend to be a normal city with normal people living in it for some reason. Of course they would also pretend that the babies are totally normal, despite them clearly being fake. ]
I think I.. [ .. He went to 'I' by default, but then presses his lips together. Waffles, hesitates, still adjusting, but then tries: ] .. I think we will just have to figure it out.
[ The words still sit within him a little uneasily, as new as they are, but-- Fabian truly is trying here, Gorgug. Trying to internalize what you've told him. ]
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...I'll look in the library. [ Look. This is still an option. If they can't have a manual, there's sure to be something in their library. Gorgug's been
nickingtaking out all kinds of books in there!!! He just never thought to look up baby handling 101.Until now. ]
I mean, there's gotta be something. What if you've never been around a baby? I haven't really been around babies before, 'cept passing them on the street.
I'll ask some people too. Actually, I already asked a guy to give me tips. He's letting me visit him later to see his baby.
[ Speaking of!! Listen how seriously he's trying to take this (so he doesn't pull an arm off again!!!) ]
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But he's tired. After throwing all this emotion out here, and after all the turmoil that came before it - he's too tired to get into it, especially when Fabian is already sure his friend understands it anyway. ]
.. thanks.
[ That feels better to say. Because thinking of this place only makes him frown and feel bad, but thinking about Gorgug's sweet, genuine effort at least does put a smile on Fabian's face as he looks at his friend. ]
I am, uh.. [ He hesitates a little, but then decides to let go of that hesitancy, to just fully trust Gorgug here. ] I am slightly tired though after all this.
[ Slightly is an understatement, judging by the way Fabian looks right now. It's practically the same way he looked after the whole deal with the Night Yorb. ]
Would I mind if I napped on you for a little bit? [ Not like they haven't done it before, all of them curled up together in the little space the Hangvan had for all their bodies. ] Just until they are done with the baby.
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Do you wanna sit on-- um, [ actually, you know what, ] --yeah, sure, you can nap.
[ You know what? He actually thought. He thought and decided 'do you wanna sit on my lap' was a bad thing to ask a guy friend, or maybe most friends, that are not Fig, and he's willing to draw as much attention away from what he was beginning to say to what his actual answer was: by bringing an arm back around Fabian's shoulders, ready to tuck him in closer to himself once Fabian shuffles himself in whatever direction he pleases. Gorgug's angled on the chair, but he'll put up with that. It's not uncomfortable. ]
Fig says I'm comfortable.
[ And he hopes he is now, offering his arm like he is like a sort of ineffectual blanket. Or a blanket solely for one's shoulders. ]
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It feels kind of nice. Especially since going from the situation in the Hangvan during their Night Yorb chase - months of sleeping together in a pile - to sleeping entirely by himself in a way too big house was a little bit too much at once. Feeling something warm against him as he sleeps reminds him of better times than the emptiness. ]
I think Fig is biased. [ He can't help but say, but a moment later he's already closing his eye once he's gotten comfortable enough. ] .. though she might not be entirely wrong.
[ Fabian feels more comfortable than he expected to, anyway. It really does feel kind of nice. Maybe Fig was onto something here. ]
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