[ Ah, his name. Gorgug catches it, an error of a sound, a noise that shouldn't be there. It's strange, because there's no one there; even though there's something moving, something coming close to him, to his vision. A presence. A presence? Is it a presence? His eyelids flicker, his brain working to take the next action so he can-- figure it out. He should figure it out, what's going on.
And that means looking up a little more, waiting for his brain to take the information in that it sees and to start to figure out--oh. A face like Fabian's, in the fog of everything, of congestion. Everything is congested, in the way when everything is too full, phantom aches in so many places that his whole body decides to hurt, just to simplify it. And what difference does it make at that point? Is he hurt? Isn't he? He's kinda used to being hurt, so, he probably is.
But what's important is that there's Fabian, and that's--nice. Gorgug stares for a while, needs to, in the half-lidded state of vision, and simply takes in that fact. Nice for Gorgug, and maybe not so nice for Fabian.
But, eventually, he does say: ] Fabian.
[ His voice is a whisper, soft. He closes his eyes, breathing in and out, and asks, ] Are you in my dream? Did you stop me?
[ Am I dead? he asks, but only in his mind, because that's kinder on a dream Fabian. Even if a dream Fabian can hear everything because he's a dream Fabian, but it's still--kind. But it's okay if it happened. He wouldn't blame Fabian.
And he's already willing to believe it, his lips twitching, some thought to smile there--but he can't quite get it to work out. He can't focus long enough to commit to it.
But if Fabian killed him, then everything stopped. Everything finally stopped. ]
[ It is worrisome. Fabian can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with Gorgug when he doesn't speak up right away - if there might be something that's preventing him from speaking, if the removal of the infection left some terrible aftereffect on him when it had been nestling inside of him for so long. If maybe Gorgug got just a little bit too hurt at the end there, and now they can't get him back.
He doesn't speak up again right away though, just in case Gorgug only needed a bit more time. And that does seem to be the case, considering that so much tension leaves Fabian's body the moment he hears the other speak, knowing that it's Gorgug, that he's still in his right mind.
And that he's alive. Fabian's heart had just about dropped all the way to his shoes when he watched the other crumble. Not again. He couldn't witness that again. ]
No. You're awake. This is real. [ He quickly speaks, wanting to assure the other. The question of Fabian having stopped him is more complicated, considering he doesn't feel like he contributed all that much. What did he do over the past month or two aside from chasing after Gorgug and not being able to do a damn thing? He doesn't want to draw too much attention to that when he was useless. When he's pretty sure Gorgug will remember as much too, once he's a little more lucid again.
So rather than involving himself in the answer of the other's second question, he shifts a little to sit down on the edge of the bed, rather than hovering over it, but still having his body turned to look at his friend. ]
And you're back to normal now. It's all going to be alright.
[ This is real? The words confuse him, the statement--he doesn't get it. What's real? This? Because reality has been nothing but half-truths and anger and exhaustion, and he doesn't know what real is, anymore. Can this be real? Can he believe it?
You're back to normal now. It's all going to be alright.
It doesn't feel like it. Everything that's been haunting him since his world started to become displaced, angry, manic, there's never been a normal to go back to. Everyone will hate you, no one cares about you. You should kill them first. They'll never help you. They won't even stop you.
How does he come back from that? Trashing the hospital supplies, haunting the different buildings, trying to spread the influence of whatever was inside him and never knowing where it began and Gorgug ended--did it make any difference? Didn't he want it? To see what he could do, to feel the fear and how it tasted in the back of his throat.
The reality he was leaving in finds itself creeping in, even now; even without the influence of the Im'mari, without the infection. The drowsy expression Gorgug wears blanks as he tries to comprehend it, his gaze losing Fabian, his lips twitching with words that take too long to form. ]
But I... I tried killing everyone. I hurt Riz, [ he breathes, his voice quiet, panicked. ] I hurt everyone-- I touched you. [ Kissed you, forced him down, said those things--and Gorgug squeezes his eyes shut, his head shaking, trying to, to dismiss it. No, no, no, no.
He presses his head down against the pillow, the bedsheets, as if finding a way to hide himself--as if this is the way he can take the cowardly out from reality. From this real. ]
I'm sorry. I'm asleep--I'll stay asleep. I'll hurt people again.
[ There's that too, isn't there? If he hurts people again--if this isn't really over. He can't chance it. ]
That's a lot to cope with, isn't it? Fabian would know all of that must live somewhere in Gorgug's mind, considering he never seemed fully gone - maybe at the end there, but never before that, always some part of Gorgug still there mixed in with all the fucked up stuff - but he didn't expect all of it to come back to him so quickly. Or so at once. Of course that would be too much to deal with.
Even the reminder of I touched you is almost too much for Fabian to deal with in this moment by itself, quickly dismissing the thought, shoving it to the back of his mind. It can be joined by the reminder of what Gorgug did to Riz, the state Fabian found the latter in. No time to think of any of that now. ]
Hey. [ He says, and then adds with more emphasis, like he refuses to let the other's attention slip away now: ] Hey.
[ Since Fabian figures Gorgug will probably continue to try and force himself back to sleep if left to his own devices, he leans over a little bit more, reaching out his hand. It hovers awkwardly above Gorgug for a moment - perhaps at the reminder of I touched you, still shoving it down, far down - before landing on the other's head, gently brushing some hair out of the other's face.
He tries to ignore the weird feeling in his gut. ]
I need you awake. [ If Gorgug is too focused on sleeping, on erasing himself, then how is Fabian supposed to convince him of anything? Would his words even do anything, no matter how much he'd try to reassure Gorgug in that state? ] Come on, Gorgug. Look at me.
[ Gorgug doesn't want to ignore Fabian. There's plenty that Gorgug longed for while he was in that state, and being able to listen to his friends, to speak with them, for everything not to be the way it was (for everything to be normal)--he would have done anything for it. He tried. Even in his most apathetic states, the thoughts always crept back to him of his friends, whether they were about them stopping him--they were always about them stopping him.
And worse. But he wanted to do the things that people told him and not what the thing inside him did, a voice that felt a part of his own that he couldn't differentiate between himself and it.
Gorgug doesn't want to ignore Fabian, except for, now, the part of him that does; if only Fabian was asking for anything else, anything. But despite the strong reluctance that extends through his body, a near-physical reaction that wants him not to turn his head again (and he doesn't, he really really doesn't), he does so, slowly. Angling his face so just a side profile shows against his pillow, a hand sliding up into his hair, his forearm pressing against his nose and cheek; an increasing rise of his shoulders as he breathes harder, as small sobs start to sound in his throat.
He doesn't want to do it, but Gorgug opens up an eye to look at Fabian as everything hits harder than it had been before. Every disgusting little thing, and everything surrounding Fabian the most pressing, churning.
Because he can't remember their last fight as well, but he does everything else: because he was never allowed to forget anything. He was never allowed to rest.
As if there was anything like rest from reality. ]
[ The reaction may not be surprising, but it is overwhelming. Even more overwhelming for Gorgug to be experiencing it, sure, but it's overwhelming for Fabian to look at too. He just spent such a long time seeing his friend spiral and being unable to do a thing about it, and despite the fact that the thing corrupting Gorgug is gone now, it seems like Fabian is still stuck in the same shoes as he was a month ago. Watching Gorgug suffer, and knowing there's so little he can do about it.
He can't take away what happened, after all. If there was any way to do it, he would, but-- Fabian knows there isn't. He isn't some time wizard.
Fabian swallows thickly. For a guy who loves hearing himself talk, he isn't really sure what to do say now. If there's even anything to say.
Bit by bit he slowly pulls his hand back, not wanting to overwhelm Gorgug with touch in this moment. Giving the other some space, though Fabian still sits right there on the bed. ]
It's alright. [ He says - forcing the words out of his throat. Not because he doesn't want to say them, but more because he isn't sure of their effect on Gorgug while the other is like this.
But Fabian thinks Gorgug has to hear it. He shouldn't assume anything about what Fabian might be feeling when Gorgug's mind might just go the worst place possible. ]
Everything between you and me-- It's alright. I'm not mad at you.
[ God, will that even help? Is Gorgug even worried about that? I hurt everyone-- I touched you. ]
[ It's a good thing, isn't it? That stuff between us is fine, that Fabian's okay--it should be a good thing. It is. Technically, in theory, it's the best thing in any world.
But Gorgug doesn't know how to accept it: he doesn't know if he does, or that he's rejecting it, or--what to do. What does he do? When his friend is looking down at him and saying that everything is alright, but everything that Gorgug experienced is there, fresh in his mind, a constant haunting in the times when his mind didn't just go blank, empty. When he wasn't filled with an uncontrollable rage he nearly slaughtered his best friends with, when it was always meant to protect them.
What does it mean to be okay after that? For everything to be fine?
There's no deliberating, no considering that question: Gorgug cries, with no other response in him to give. Trying to keep his vision up on Fabian just to do good by his friend, to do as he told him. But the tears want to come, and they keep coming, and Gorgug curls his head into his heads and alternates between wanting to keep his sobs down to letting them out, making the sounds of some dying animal.
Neither of them have any answers, and Gorgug has nothing else he can do but cry, needing time to get it out of him, as if he isn't already exhausted enough. He might fall asleep against Fabian's wishes, if he lets him; but unless Fabian tries to stop his crying now, when the tears turn to hiccups, and when his throat is raw, Gorgug will have small whispers to say, mumbling incessantly: ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry I didn't fight it... I tried... I didn't want to be like that. I was scared... I thought I... I didn't have a choice...
[ There was no other option. There was no good end.
And is this the good end? Is this truly the best that could've happened?
[ Fabian doesn't stop the crying. It'd feel too cruel. Even though it hurts to see his friend this hurt, it would be worse to force Gorgug to stop crying. Especially when Fabian knows what it feels like when you really want to cry and the people around you don't seem to let you.
So though it really hurts, he lets Gorgug. If anything, the way the other seems to be trying to hold it back only hurts more, and that's what Fabian finally speaks up, especially at those mumbled apologies. ]
Hey-- You fought it, Gorgug. I saw you fight it.
[ Maybe not at every single moment, or every single encounter, but Fabian can only imagine how hard it must have been to fight it in the first place. He remembers how desperate and sad Gorgug seemed every single time he tried to break through it.
It must have been hell. How could Fabian sit here and let his friend blame himself for everything after that? ]
You did everything you could. I know you did.
[ He pauses, unsure if those words are effective. Unsure if it'll even help Gorgug when the other is going through this much.
So Fabian decides to do a little bit more. He pulls the covers down a little, just far enough that he can comfortably wrap his arms around Gorgug without getting some blanket in the way, and then pulls the other up into a hug. It takes some effort on Fabian's part, but thankfully his arm has been magically healed enough that he doesn't fuck over said arm again right away.
And once he's got the other fully up into a hugging position, he makes sure to pull Gorgug against him so the other can lean on him, not having to put physical effort Gorgug may not have the strength for right now into it. ]
You fought it, and it's gone now. And now you're back here with me. [ He'd say with us, but he isn't sure if he wants to give an already crying Gorgug a reminder of Riz. What happened between Fabian and Gorgug, that's-- That's fine, actually. Just some weirdness Fabian can't think about right now, and then a whole lot of physical injury.
It's got to be better than the sheer terror Fabian saw in Riz's eyes. That's got to be harder for Gorgug to think about. ]
[ Gorgug never resists Fabian. He doesn't push him or stop him, not as the covers get pulled down, though he's aware enough to know that something's happening. But knowing, and checking, investigating, are two different things, an inherent trust in Fabian that stops Gorgug from being so apprehensive about Fabian's actions.
And whatever he might do, well-- if Fabian were to hurt him, Gorgug would know he deserves it. If he were to tell him to get out, that he was disgusting; if he were to say or do any of the multitude of cruelties that Gorgug saw as realities inside his head, hasn't it always been coming for him?
Fabian doesn't. Because the Fabian that existed in Gorgug's mind was never actually real, while the one that crawls into bed with him is; arms wrapping around him, his encouragement just as enveloping.
It's not easy to speak. His friend's kindness is as upsetting as the memories that have reminded themselves to Gorgug, if a different sort. Disbelief in the face of reassurance that no one had to give him, but Fabian is, he is, and what can anyone say or do about it but to cry? To take refuge against the body he's given for Gorgug to curl against, to know the company of another?
(I'll always be alone, a voice told him, constantly.
His body realises its lie.)
It hurts, more and more in the physical than just emotional. There comes a point where it's harder to cry, and so his body trembles with the desire to do so than the ability to. Small noises like sobs that come out when he breathes.
And through it, Gorgug dares to reach gingerly to touch the tips of his fingers against the side of Fabian's arm on the side of the bed. ]
...You stopped me. [ It might be harder to hear Gorgug, to understand him; his throat rough, words slipping in and out. ] Y-you're my....best friends... love you... never meant... of it...
I-- [ He stops, correcting himself now. ] We know you didn't mean it.
[ Sure, Riz may still be scared - Fabian isn't sure. But if he is, then he's at least sure it's not because Riz thought Gorgug actually meant any part of what happened as himself. It would be fear for the thing that took over Gorgug more than fear about Gorgug himself, which leads him to be confident enough in saying this.
That's what Fabian wants Gorgug to know. That it was awful, but that it's over. That he doesn't have to apologize. That it's all alright now.
It's why he doesn't let go of Gorgug. Not even for a moment. No matter how long the other needs to slump against him, cry against him, then attempt to cry but only find dryness in the wake of tears-- Fabian will continue to hold him just like this. He isn't moving away at all.
If anything, he tries to rub reassuring circles on the other's back with the hand of one of the arms he's holding Gorgug with. ]
I told you I wasn't going to give up.
[ And though Fabian fucked up so much more than he would've wanted to, even though in the end it doesn't really feel like he is the one that stopped Gorgug as much as that the timing was just right--
He at least kept himself to those words. He kept seeking out Gorgug, even when it kept going wrong. Giving up on his friend was a worse idea than facing that failure over and over again, so he didn't give up. ]
[ Gorgug nods, is nodding, though the movement he takes to do it is short and quick. Small validations to show that he's listening and agreeing, because his throat can't do much better to get it across. Despite how much is owed to Fabian, to everyone, and though Gorgug can't begin to comprehend the words that will give to him what they're deserved--
Right now, he only has this much. The apologies given, the tears shed. It's the amount of energy he has to give, too, as mental exhaustion allows Gorgug to start slipping in and out--slipping back in if Fabian should wake him (he didn't want him to sleep, did he?), but sleeping far easier out. Not to hide this time, just to--
rest. To get back some more of his energy, even if that might take a while.
[ Despite what Fabian said before, he lets Gorgug sleep this time. After all, he mostly wanted the other awake just so Gorgug wouldn't be forced to get stuck with his own awful thoughts. He wanted to make sure that before the other closed his eyes, he'd at least know that Fabian didn't blame him for a thing, that he isn't mad at him.
So when Gorgug knows it now, he's fine with letting the other rest. Surely Gorgug's body has a whole lot of catching up on rest to do in the first place, and Fabian isn't going to force the other out of bed until he seems ready for it.
At first Fabian lingers there with the other, but then he gets up. Not to leave Gorgug necessarily, but because there's stuff for him to do. Cleaning the apartment when he and Riz haven't had much time for that in the middle of the chaos. Taking care of his own appearance some more, just so he doesn't give anyone who glances at him a reason to worry about him - especially Gorgug and Riz, who both need to focus on themselves right now. Who - Fabian has decided - need him to focus on them.
He ends up making some food. Not.. really a meal per se, since Fabian is the least talented cook of all three of them here, but even he can make a bowl of cereal. Maybe he'll ask Riz later for a real meal, or if the other still seems too far out of it, Fabian could try asking a different friend, or grabbing something for Gorgug from the restaurants..
.. but he's pretty sure the other can't handle that much right now anyway. So that bowl of cereal it is, Fabian taking it with him to the bedroom, finding Gorgug still resting there. He puts the tray with the bowl down on the nightstand, and then reaches out to make the other's hair look a little less all over the place - this time not pulling his hand back, even if the other stirs. ]
[ If Gorgug dreams, it's a mishmash of scenes that follow no particular plotline, nothing he can keep a hold on for long. There's nothing that he can recollect from before he stirs, but on the cusp of waking: either a dream or a memory, small hands brushing at his fringe during a feverish night. His body can surely remember those things.
It's not night in the real world. Nor are there tiny hands, nor a singular such one, though Gorgug doesn't open his eyes to find that out immediately. In the state between sleep and life, Gorgug lingers, unable to remember what it is that awaits him once he wakes more. While he has the chance to not feel the rising anger inside himself, he wants to linger in this in-between: the sensation of something touching him, that might not be real, and a calm that he hasn't felt without an oppressive, numbing apathy pressing down over him.
But he should look, he eventually reasons: when none of the negativity he's used to feeling stirs inside him, and so he lets his eyes open instead. Slowly, warily; the time when he last woke far from his mind, and so when he sees Fabian above him--Gorgug stiffens. Breath holding in his chest, but then his heart demanding a faster pulse, the guilt, the worry--
Gorgug doesn't hurry to move, to relax himself. He could ask what Fabian is doing, but he doesn't want to: he thinks Fabian can do whatever the hell he pleases, and nothing should be done that might stop that. Snippets of their previous exchange starts to find itself back inside his thoughts, but they don't entirely help. Tears, apologies, and reassurances--all that means anything is Fabian saying he isn't mad, even if that doesn't make everything alright.
So Gorgug watches Fabian a little, but doesn't think to watch him too closely; as if this will show that he has permission to touch or do whatever it is he wants. That he won't be interrupted. ]
[ He notices that Gorgug is waking up again, but Fabian doesn't move away yet. Instead he stays like that, just slowly moving Gorgug's hair around a little bit - and not saying anything. Just like how Gorgug is not saying anything. It's hard for Fabian to ever allow silence to just exist, given how much Fabian loves yapping, but it feels easier this way.
It's easier to say that this changes nothing and that he's here for Gorgug by just proving it to the other. That he doesn't flinch away, despite everything that happened between the two of them. That he isn't even really thinking about what happened, putting all of that away into a box he can hopefully just open and look into later. ]
.. hey. [ He finally slowly says after a few moments of silence. Fabian puts a final strand of hair into place, and then pulls back his hand to grab the bowl of cereal he put down on the nightstand so Gorgug can see it from where he's lying in the bed. ]
I thought you must be feeling hungry. Or even if you're not-- You should eat something.
[ Despite his previous inclination, there's a part of Gorgug that regrets it when the hand leaves: a hand and gesture that doesn't belong to him, and that he doesn't get a say in what it does. Which is why he won't say anything, but briefly, when nothing else happens, it feels like acceptance. So should, and does, the cereal that comes to sit on the nightstand beside him in view from his pillows.
It's just a different kind. The sort that is likely the reason that Gorgug continues to watch Fabian, wanting to say something to him, in this peace and silence of a room that allows Gorgug not to think about the world outside it.
Fabian's not mad at him. He doesn't blame him. And Gorgug can't return to apologies he's already given, though they feel like the only words he should ever be saying, still. So he stirs, inching his head back to look at Fabian better with both of his eyes, his lips pinching together with words he hasn't yet decided (I missed you; I missed everyone); when there's something more important in the room than food, or even himself. ]
...
[ But he can't do him justice.
He fails to find it, the perfect words, the perfect expression, and so he does instead what Fabian wants him to do: eat, even if he's not hungry. His body disagrees with his shuffling to bring himself to sit up, his hands helping to hoist himself upright. The bed creaks underneath, but does nothing more as Gorgug exhales, sits with his head handing slightly. ]
...Thank you, [ he slips out, as he reaches to take the bowl in his hands. Sitting it on his lap, hands taking their spots around the bowl and on the spoon. Gorgug's been eating even through the infection, but all this-- everything feels foreign. His own body feels foreign, detached from some parts of himself, but Gorgug doesn't know which.
He takes a bite, and chews slowly. Slower than he chews most bites except for when the Bad Kids are in front of people they want to impress, until the point that Gorgug forgets himself and starts doing more swallowing than chewing.
He then asks after a couple more bites, ] Is everything okay?
[ The thing that might be most noticable to Gorgug about Fabian right now is that Fabian seems.. well, the same as ever. Which usually wouldn't be a surprising thing, but considering everything that happened, and considering the heaviness that still exists within Gorgug after it all, it might be a little more surprising. A whole lot of things happened between the two of them, after all.
And yet.. It's just Fabian. It's Fabian treating him the way he always would. If there's any slight difference compared to the usual, it's that the half-elf is being a little more gentle. Helping with the little things. When Gorgug sits up, Fabian helps to put a pillow behind the other's back to support Gorgug sitting him. When he hands him the bowl of cereal, his hand lingers on top of the other's hand while he's in the middle of handing it over just a few seconds more than absolutely necessary. And despite the heavy mood in Gorgug's room, Fabian is smiling warmly. First silently watching Gorgug attempt a first bite, but then straightening up a little and speaking up when the other asks him that question. ]
Yeah.
[ Maybe the real answer is not a full 'yeah', but.. you know. The bad thing was taken care of. Everyone snapped out of it. There's a lot to be cleaned up in the meantime - both literally and figuratively - and Fabian's body still feels sore from that final battle with Gorgug, despite Riz's slapping him with some first aid right after it happened, as soon as they were sure Gorgug was alive and safe.
But right now Fabian just wants to reassure his friend that everything is alright. That Gorgug doesn't have to worry about anything outside of this room until he's in the right shape to do so again. ]
Everything is back to normal now. There's a lot of messes to be cleaned up, but.. you know how people here are. They'll take care of it. [ It's 'they' and not 'we' because Fabian has his own mess to clean up, okay.
He has to take care of Gorgug. Fabian is fully intending to not stray from the other's side during these early days of recovery, if he can help it. ]
The Ball's fine. [ Because he knows Gorgug would worry about that. ] I'm fine. I honestly think everyone managed to get through that without any permanent damage.
[ Gorgug does notice the things that Fabian does. The little things he usually wouldn't, particularly the pillow at Gorgug's back, something that he holds for when he notices, but doesn't comment on. If this were a different Gorgug, one who had simply not gone through everything he had, he would question it: he might even think Fabian might be suffering something, or want a favour from Gorgug.
Here and now, however, Gorgug notices it--but his mind can't make any of those assumptions, be confused or question it. He allows it to happen, and sits up with his bowl of cereal, the food tasteless going down his throat. He wants to have something to say in response to what Fabian does, where it should be good news what Fabian is sharing, and yet--his mind is blank. Gorgug isn't sure how to feel happy or relieved. ]
...did the Ball tell you what happened between us?
[ It's not common for Gorgug to use the Ball, but his mind can't even think of Riz's name properly, right now, and so he copies Fabian. ]
[ Fabian pauses for a slight moment. It might be noticeable or not - it could be in the sense that it's odd for Fabian, considering how easily he usually yaps, but Gorgug could also still be out of it enough that he doesn't fully realize that momentary pause might mean something.
Like, for example, Fabian realizing he's threading a very delicate topic right now. ]
I know. [ He slowly says. Saying Riz told him is a big claim, but considering he was the one to find Riz-- Just that by itself was enough. Fabian isn't dumb enough to not be able to have a rough idea of what happened from it, and it's not like he wants Gorgug to have to talk about it right now either.
It's got to be at least as painful for the other to recall as everything between the two of them. ]
I brought him back here after that and took care of him. [ So it's alright, he means to imply.
Fabian made the best out of a terrible situation as well as he could. ]
[ He's staring down at the food. In actual truth, Gorgug's staring at nothing: he's only focused on the internal, the way his stomach twists something horrid. Fabian knows. Gorgug didn't actually doubt he did, but now, Gorgug is thinking about it. Remembering it, and trying not to, with the flashes of memories both from his time with Riz and then the fight with the three of them. Every horrid thing that he did, seeking to be recognised. To push itself first inside his head, to be recalled. Re-experienced. Fabian knows. Riz knows. He knows.
His breathing deepens. His nerves turn cold, sensitive under what's running around inside him, and Gorgug--
He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be doing this. ]
...I want to be alone for a while. I'll eat later.
[ His gaze doesn't turn onto Fabian; he doesn't want the other to somehow peer into what's going on inside him. Aiming for a tone that's neutral, flat; like this is normal, like Fabian doesn't need to worry. Everything's fine, despite the way that Gorgug wants to break the bowl up between his hands or to throw it, or how much he wants to shrivel up into nothing.
But Gorgug can't do any of that, not in front of Fabian. He can't, but he needs-- he needs to get this ugliness away from him. ]
Please, [ follows, his head still not moving, his body not shifting. But there's a plea in his tone, one that he's trying to hold together. ]
[ If Gorgug thinks he can somehow deceive Fabian into not worrying in this moment, then he sure is wrong. Of course Fabian is going to be worried after everything that happened. The relief of knowing that at least Gorgug isn't still actively haunted by something terrible is great, but it doesn't take away the fact that it happened. Especially not for Gorgug himself.
So even though Fabian instantly knows it's not that Gorgug is saying this with actual neutral feelings inside of him, he doesn't know what feelings are there. He doesn't know the exact reason Gorgug is saying this, and it sucks. Because there are plenty of reasons Fabian would feel the room for, especially if it might make his friend feel better, but there are also plenty of reasons that would only make him want to stick to the other even more closely.
But which is it? Does he just fuck up if he pushes too far in the wrong direction, whichever one that is? Fabian chews on the inside of his cheek, vaguely feeling the fatigue of the past months inside of him as he tries to work out the best thing to do here to help his friend.
He doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
Which means there's only one thing he can say here - still looking at Gorgug, no matter the fact that he isn't looking back at Fabian. ]
Why do you want me to leave?
[ Maybe it's a little too blunt. They usually don't do this whole 'talking about feelings' thing. Not really.
But it did help back when Fabian was sitting in that cold hospital hallway. So maybe it's something they should do, if not just so Fabian can make a more informed decision on what to do here. So he can do something without worrying and feeling like a fuck-up when it comes to helping his friend. ]
[ It would be easier if Fabian just left. Because the question to his request, and the answer to it, only fills him with more guilt: he shouldn't be feeling like this at all. It's a difficult thing to admit to, so Gorgug doesn't; sitting there staring forward, trying to find some other explanation, some other reason to his request that isn't the honest truth.
The tears are coming, circling the lower rims of his eyelids. Gorgug blinks, and they blur his vision, and the swelling in his throat arrives soon after; and it's as he starts to move, to put that bowl aside, that he finally thinks to say anything. A voice half-trembling, its weak attempt to sound casual. ]
I don't feel very well--th-that's all.
[ But there's no hiding the truth. He sniffs, and he wipes at his face with the back of his sleeve, and he struggles to keep down the building emotion rising up from his gut. Hasn't he cried enough? He doesn't need to cry again, but his body refuses to agree with him, and Gorgug hangs his head into his hands with his elbows resting on the blankets. ]
Sorry, [ he manages to get out--not yet full out crying, but the sobs small, fresh.
[ Now Fabian is almost kind of glad that Gorgug isn't looking at him - because he can feel his own expression dropping the moment he witnesses his friend starting to cry again like that, and he doesn't want Gorgug to have to see that. It'd probably only make him feel worse, even if it's just an instinctive reaction on Fabian's part.
But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
[ Gorgug's sniffling, head down and swallowing against the rock in his throat, but the touch on his arm makes him turn to look at Fabian. Instinctively, though the words that his friend continues with, speak, does make him look away--not from shame (not this time), but so he can listen to him better. Because Fabian deserves that, even if there's heat on his cheeks and his eyes won't stop getting wet.
He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
[ There's a lot he feels like he could say or do here - make attempts to fix this thing between Gorgug and Riz, especially when he knows that all the two of them are doing is likely just feeling bad for the other's sake.
But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
[ Is he still tired? He is, to be honest; he's also a lot of other things, though it's as Fabian says: he isn't sure that sleeping will really fix anything.
But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
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And that means looking up a little more, waiting for his brain to take the information in that it sees and to start to figure out--oh. A face like Fabian's, in the fog of everything, of congestion. Everything is congested, in the way when everything is too full, phantom aches in so many places that his whole body decides to hurt, just to simplify it. And what difference does it make at that point? Is he hurt? Isn't he? He's kinda used to being hurt, so, he probably is.
But what's important is that there's Fabian, and that's--nice. Gorgug stares for a while, needs to, in the half-lidded state of vision, and simply takes in that fact. Nice for Gorgug, and maybe not so nice for Fabian.
But, eventually, he does say: ] Fabian.
[ His voice is a whisper, soft. He closes his eyes, breathing in and out, and asks, ] Are you in my dream? Did you stop me?
[ Am I dead? he asks, but only in his mind, because that's kinder on a dream Fabian. Even if a dream Fabian can hear everything because he's a dream Fabian, but it's still--kind. But it's okay if it happened. He wouldn't blame Fabian.
And he's already willing to believe it, his lips twitching, some thought to smile there--but he can't quite get it to work out. He can't focus long enough to commit to it.
But if Fabian killed him, then everything stopped. Everything finally stopped. ]
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He doesn't speak up again right away though, just in case Gorgug only needed a bit more time. And that does seem to be the case, considering that so much tension leaves Fabian's body the moment he hears the other speak, knowing that it's Gorgug, that he's still in his right mind.
And that he's alive. Fabian's heart had just about dropped all the way to his shoes when he watched the other crumble. Not again. He couldn't witness that again. ]
No. You're awake. This is real. [ He quickly speaks, wanting to assure the other. The question of Fabian having stopped him is more complicated, considering he doesn't feel like he contributed all that much. What did he do over the past month or two aside from chasing after Gorgug and not being able to do a damn thing? He doesn't want to draw too much attention to that when he was useless. When he's pretty sure Gorgug will remember as much too, once he's a little more lucid again.
So rather than involving himself in the answer of the other's second question, he shifts a little to sit down on the edge of the bed, rather than hovering over it, but still having his body turned to look at his friend. ]
And you're back to normal now. It's all going to be alright.
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You're back to normal now. It's all going to be alright.
It doesn't feel like it. Everything that's been haunting him since his world started to become displaced, angry, manic, there's never been a normal to go back to. Everyone will hate you, no one cares about you. You should kill them first. They'll never help you. They won't even stop you.
How does he come back from that? Trashing the hospital supplies, haunting the different buildings, trying to spread the influence of whatever was inside him and never knowing where it began and Gorgug ended--did it make any difference? Didn't he want it? To see what he could do, to feel the fear and how it tasted in the back of his throat.
The reality he was leaving in finds itself creeping in, even now; even without the influence of the Im'mari, without the infection. The drowsy expression Gorgug wears blanks as he tries to comprehend it, his gaze losing Fabian, his lips twitching with words that take too long to form. ]
But I... I tried killing everyone. I hurt Riz, [ he breathes, his voice quiet, panicked. ] I hurt everyone-- I touched you. [ Kissed you, forced him down, said those things--and Gorgug squeezes his eyes shut, his head shaking, trying to, to dismiss it. No, no, no, no.
He presses his head down against the pillow, the bedsheets, as if finding a way to hide himself--as if this is the way he can take the cowardly out from reality. From this real. ]
I'm sorry. I'm asleep--I'll stay asleep. I'll hurt people again.
[ There's that too, isn't there? If he hurts people again--if this isn't really over. He can't chance it. ]
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That's a lot to cope with, isn't it? Fabian would know all of that must live somewhere in Gorgug's mind, considering he never seemed fully gone - maybe at the end there, but never before that, always some part of Gorgug still there mixed in with all the fucked up stuff - but he didn't expect all of it to come back to him so quickly. Or so at once. Of course that would be too much to deal with.
Even the reminder of I touched you is almost too much for Fabian to deal with in this moment by itself, quickly dismissing the thought, shoving it to the back of his mind. It can be joined by the reminder of what Gorgug did to Riz, the state Fabian found the latter in. No time to think of any of that now. ]
Hey. [ He says, and then adds with more emphasis, like he refuses to let the other's attention slip away now: ] Hey.
[ Since Fabian figures Gorgug will probably continue to try and force himself back to sleep if left to his own devices, he leans over a little bit more, reaching out his hand. It hovers awkwardly above Gorgug for a moment - perhaps at the reminder of I touched you, still shoving it down, far down - before landing on the other's head, gently brushing some hair out of the other's face.
He tries to ignore the weird feeling in his gut. ]
I need you awake. [ If Gorgug is too focused on sleeping, on erasing himself, then how is Fabian supposed to convince him of anything? Would his words even do anything, no matter how much he'd try to reassure Gorgug in that state? ] Come on, Gorgug. Look at me.
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And worse. But he wanted to do the things that people told him and not what the thing inside him did, a voice that felt a part of his own that he couldn't differentiate between himself and it.
Gorgug doesn't want to ignore Fabian, except for, now, the part of him that does; if only Fabian was asking for anything else, anything. But despite the strong reluctance that extends through his body, a near-physical reaction that wants him not to turn his head again (and he doesn't, he really really doesn't), he does so, slowly. Angling his face so just a side profile shows against his pillow, a hand sliding up into his hair, his forearm pressing against his nose and cheek; an increasing rise of his shoulders as he breathes harder, as small sobs start to sound in his throat.
He doesn't want to do it, but Gorgug opens up an eye to look at Fabian as everything hits harder than it had been before. Every disgusting little thing, and everything surrounding Fabian the most pressing, churning.
Because he can't remember their last fight as well, but he does everything else: because he was never allowed to forget anything. He was never allowed to rest.
As if there was anything like rest from reality. ]
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He can't take away what happened, after all. If there was any way to do it, he would, but-- Fabian knows there isn't. He isn't some time wizard.
Fabian swallows thickly. For a guy who loves hearing himself talk, he isn't really sure what to do say now. If there's even anything to say.
Bit by bit he slowly pulls his hand back, not wanting to overwhelm Gorgug with touch in this moment. Giving the other some space, though Fabian still sits right there on the bed. ]
It's alright. [ He says - forcing the words out of his throat. Not because he doesn't want to say them, but more because he isn't sure of their effect on Gorgug while the other is like this.
But Fabian thinks Gorgug has to hear it. He shouldn't assume anything about what Fabian might be feeling when Gorgug's mind might just go the worst place possible. ]
Everything between you and me-- It's alright. I'm not mad at you.
[ God, will that even help? Is Gorgug even worried about that? I hurt everyone-- I touched you. ]
Stuff between us is fine. I'm okay.
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But Gorgug doesn't know how to accept it: he doesn't know if he does, or that he's rejecting it, or--what to do. What does he do? When his friend is looking down at him and saying that everything is alright, but everything that Gorgug experienced is there, fresh in his mind, a constant haunting in the times when his mind didn't just go blank, empty. When he wasn't filled with an uncontrollable rage he nearly slaughtered his best friends with, when it was always meant to protect them.
What does it mean to be okay after that? For everything to be fine?
There's no deliberating, no considering that question: Gorgug cries, with no other response in him to give. Trying to keep his vision up on Fabian just to do good by his friend, to do as he told him. But the tears want to come, and they keep coming, and Gorgug curls his head into his heads and alternates between wanting to keep his sobs down to letting them out, making the sounds of some dying animal.
Neither of them have any answers, and Gorgug has nothing else he can do but cry, needing time to get it out of him, as if he isn't already exhausted enough. He might fall asleep against Fabian's wishes, if he lets him; but unless Fabian tries to stop his crying now, when the tears turn to hiccups, and when his throat is raw, Gorgug will have small whispers to say, mumbling incessantly: ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry I didn't fight it... I tried... I didn't want to be like that. I was scared... I thought I... I didn't have a choice...
[ There was no other option. There was no good end.
And is this the good end? Is this truly the best that could've happened?
It doesn't feel good. Nothing feels good. ]
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So though it really hurts, he lets Gorgug. If anything, the way the other seems to be trying to hold it back only hurts more, and that's what Fabian finally speaks up, especially at those mumbled apologies. ]
Hey-- You fought it, Gorgug. I saw you fight it.
[ Maybe not at every single moment, or every single encounter, but Fabian can only imagine how hard it must have been to fight it in the first place. He remembers how desperate and sad Gorgug seemed every single time he tried to break through it.
It must have been hell. How could Fabian sit here and let his friend blame himself for everything after that? ]
You did everything you could. I know you did.
[ He pauses, unsure if those words are effective. Unsure if it'll even help Gorgug when the other is going through this much.
So Fabian decides to do a little bit more. He pulls the covers down a little, just far enough that he can comfortably wrap his arms around Gorgug without getting some blanket in the way, and then pulls the other up into a hug. It takes some effort on Fabian's part, but thankfully his arm has been magically healed enough that he doesn't fuck over said arm again right away.
And once he's got the other fully up into a hugging position, he makes sure to pull Gorgug against him so the other can lean on him, not having to put physical effort Gorgug may not have the strength for right now into it. ]
You fought it, and it's gone now. And now you're back here with me. [ He'd say with us, but he isn't sure if he wants to give an already crying Gorgug a reminder of Riz. What happened between Fabian and Gorgug, that's-- That's fine, actually. Just some weirdness Fabian can't think about right now, and then a whole lot of physical injury.
It's got to be better than the sheer terror Fabian saw in Riz's eyes. That's got to be harder for Gorgug to think about. ]
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And whatever he might do, well-- if Fabian were to hurt him, Gorgug would know he deserves it. If he were to tell him to get out, that he was disgusting; if he were to say or do any of the multitude of cruelties that Gorgug saw as realities inside his head, hasn't it always been coming for him?
Fabian doesn't. Because the Fabian that existed in Gorgug's mind was never actually real, while the one that crawls into bed with him is; arms wrapping around him, his encouragement just as enveloping.
It's not easy to speak. His friend's kindness is as upsetting as the memories that have reminded themselves to Gorgug, if a different sort. Disbelief in the face of reassurance that no one had to give him, but Fabian is, he is, and what can anyone say or do about it but to cry? To take refuge against the body he's given for Gorgug to curl against, to know the company of another?
(I'll always be alone, a voice told him, constantly.
His body realises its lie.)
It hurts, more and more in the physical than just emotional. There comes a point where it's harder to cry, and so his body trembles with the desire to do so than the ability to. Small noises like sobs that come out when he breathes.
And through it, Gorgug dares to reach gingerly to touch the tips of his fingers against the side of Fabian's arm on the side of the bed. ]
...You stopped me. [ It might be harder to hear Gorgug, to understand him; his throat rough, words slipping in and out. ] Y-you're my....best friends... love you... never meant... of it...
...stopped me....
[ And that's why he's here now.
Fabian is the reason why he's here. ]
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[ Sure, Riz may still be scared - Fabian isn't sure. But if he is, then he's at least sure it's not because Riz thought Gorgug actually meant any part of what happened as himself. It would be fear for the thing that took over Gorgug more than fear about Gorgug himself, which leads him to be confident enough in saying this.
That's what Fabian wants Gorgug to know. That it was awful, but that it's over. That he doesn't have to apologize. That it's all alright now.
It's why he doesn't let go of Gorgug. Not even for a moment. No matter how long the other needs to slump against him, cry against him, then attempt to cry but only find dryness in the wake of tears-- Fabian will continue to hold him just like this. He isn't moving away at all.
If anything, he tries to rub reassuring circles on the other's back with the hand of one of the arms he's holding Gorgug with. ]
I told you I wasn't going to give up.
[ And though Fabian fucked up so much more than he would've wanted to, even though in the end it doesn't really feel like he is the one that stopped Gorgug as much as that the timing was just right--
He at least kept himself to those words. He kept seeking out Gorgug, even when it kept going wrong. Giving up on his friend was a worse idea than facing that failure over and over again, so he didn't give up. ]
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Right now, he only has this much. The apologies given, the tears shed. It's the amount of energy he has to give, too, as mental exhaustion allows Gorgug to start slipping in and out--slipping back in if Fabian should wake him (he didn't want him to sleep, did he?), but sleeping far easier out. Not to hide this time, just to--
rest. To get back some more of his energy, even if that might take a while.
A timeskip, king?? King, a timeskip?? ]
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So when Gorgug knows it now, he's fine with letting the other rest. Surely Gorgug's body has a whole lot of catching up on rest to do in the first place, and Fabian isn't going to force the other out of bed until he seems ready for it.
At first Fabian lingers there with the other, but then he gets up. Not to leave Gorgug necessarily, but because there's stuff for him to do. Cleaning the apartment when he and Riz haven't had much time for that in the middle of the chaos. Taking care of his own appearance some more, just so he doesn't give anyone who glances at him a reason to worry about him - especially Gorgug and Riz, who both need to focus on themselves right now. Who - Fabian has decided - need him to focus on them.
He ends up making some food. Not.. really a meal per se, since Fabian is the least talented cook of all three of them here, but even he can make a bowl of cereal. Maybe he'll ask Riz later for a real meal, or if the other still seems too far out of it, Fabian could try asking a different friend, or grabbing something for Gorgug from the restaurants..
.. but he's pretty sure the other can't handle that much right now anyway. So that bowl of cereal it is, Fabian taking it with him to the bedroom, finding Gorgug still resting there. He puts the tray with the bowl down on the nightstand, and then reaches out to make the other's hair look a little less all over the place - this time not pulling his hand back, even if the other stirs. ]
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It's not night in the real world. Nor are there tiny hands, nor a singular such one, though Gorgug doesn't open his eyes to find that out immediately. In the state between sleep and life, Gorgug lingers, unable to remember what it is that awaits him once he wakes more. While he has the chance to not feel the rising anger inside himself, he wants to linger in this in-between: the sensation of something touching him, that might not be real, and a calm that he hasn't felt without an oppressive, numbing apathy pressing down over him.
But he should look, he eventually reasons: when none of the negativity he's used to feeling stirs inside him, and so he lets his eyes open instead. Slowly, warily; the time when he last woke far from his mind, and so when he sees Fabian above him--Gorgug stiffens. Breath holding in his chest, but then his heart demanding a faster pulse, the guilt, the worry--
Gorgug doesn't hurry to move, to relax himself. He could ask what Fabian is doing, but he doesn't want to: he thinks Fabian can do whatever the hell he pleases, and nothing should be done that might stop that. Snippets of their previous exchange starts to find itself back inside his thoughts, but they don't entirely help. Tears, apologies, and reassurances--all that means anything is Fabian saying he isn't mad, even if that doesn't make everything alright.
So Gorgug watches Fabian a little, but doesn't think to watch him too closely; as if this will show that he has permission to touch or do whatever it is he wants. That he won't be interrupted. ]
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It's easier to say that this changes nothing and that he's here for Gorgug by just proving it to the other. That he doesn't flinch away, despite everything that happened between the two of them. That he isn't even really thinking about what happened, putting all of that away into a box he can hopefully just open and look into later. ]
.. hey. [ He finally slowly says after a few moments of silence. Fabian puts a final strand of hair into place, and then pulls back his hand to grab the bowl of cereal he put down on the nightstand so Gorgug can see it from where he's lying in the bed. ]
I thought you must be feeling hungry. Or even if you're not-- You should eat something.
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It's just a different kind. The sort that is likely the reason that Gorgug continues to watch Fabian, wanting to say something to him, in this peace and silence of a room that allows Gorgug not to think about the world outside it.
Fabian's not mad at him. He doesn't blame him. And Gorgug can't return to apologies he's already given, though they feel like the only words he should ever be saying, still. So he stirs, inching his head back to look at Fabian better with both of his eyes, his lips pinching together with words he hasn't yet decided (I missed you; I missed everyone); when there's something more important in the room than food, or even himself. ]
...
[ But he can't do him justice.
He fails to find it, the perfect words, the perfect expression, and so he does instead what Fabian wants him to do: eat, even if he's not hungry. His body disagrees with his shuffling to bring himself to sit up, his hands helping to hoist himself upright. The bed creaks underneath, but does nothing more as Gorgug exhales, sits with his head handing slightly. ]
...Thank you, [ he slips out, as he reaches to take the bowl in his hands. Sitting it on his lap, hands taking their spots around the bowl and on the spoon. Gorgug's been eating even through the infection, but all this-- everything feels foreign. His own body feels foreign, detached from some parts of himself, but Gorgug doesn't know which.
He takes a bite, and chews slowly. Slower than he chews most bites except for when the Bad Kids are in front of people they want to impress, until the point that Gorgug forgets himself and starts doing more swallowing than chewing.
He then asks after a couple more bites, ] Is everything okay?
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And yet.. It's just Fabian. It's Fabian treating him the way he always would. If there's any slight difference compared to the usual, it's that the half-elf is being a little more gentle. Helping with the little things. When Gorgug sits up, Fabian helps to put a pillow behind the other's back to support Gorgug sitting him. When he hands him the bowl of cereal, his hand lingers on top of the other's hand while he's in the middle of handing it over just a few seconds more than absolutely necessary. And despite the heavy mood in Gorgug's room, Fabian is smiling warmly. First silently watching Gorgug attempt a first bite, but then straightening up a little and speaking up when the other asks him that question. ]
Yeah.
[ Maybe the real answer is not a full 'yeah', but.. you know. The bad thing was taken care of. Everyone snapped out of it. There's a lot to be cleaned up in the meantime - both literally and figuratively - and Fabian's body still feels sore from that final battle with Gorgug, despite Riz's slapping him with some first aid right after it happened, as soon as they were sure Gorgug was alive and safe.
But right now Fabian just wants to reassure his friend that everything is alright. That Gorgug doesn't have to worry about anything outside of this room until he's in the right shape to do so again. ]
Everything is back to normal now. There's a lot of messes to be cleaned up, but.. you know how people here are. They'll take care of it. [ It's 'they' and not 'we' because Fabian has his own mess to clean up, okay.
He has to take care of Gorgug. Fabian is fully intending to not stray from the other's side during these early days of recovery, if he can help it. ]
The Ball's fine. [ Because he knows Gorgug would worry about that. ] I'm fine. I honestly think everyone managed to get through that without any permanent damage.
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Here and now, however, Gorgug notices it--but his mind can't make any of those assumptions, be confused or question it. He allows it to happen, and sits up with his bowl of cereal, the food tasteless going down his throat. He wants to have something to say in response to what Fabian does, where it should be good news what Fabian is sharing, and yet--his mind is blank. Gorgug isn't sure how to feel happy or relieved. ]
...did the Ball tell you what happened between us?
[ It's not common for Gorgug to use the Ball, but his mind can't even think of Riz's name properly, right now, and so he copies Fabian. ]
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Like, for example, Fabian realizing he's threading a very delicate topic right now. ]
I know. [ He slowly says. Saying Riz told him is a big claim, but considering he was the one to find Riz-- Just that by itself was enough. Fabian isn't dumb enough to not be able to have a rough idea of what happened from it, and it's not like he wants Gorgug to have to talk about it right now either.
It's got to be at least as painful for the other to recall as everything between the two of them. ]
I brought him back here after that and took care of him. [ So it's alright, he means to imply.
Fabian made the best out of a terrible situation as well as he could. ]
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His breathing deepens. His nerves turn cold, sensitive under what's running around inside him, and Gorgug--
He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be doing this. ]
...I want to be alone for a while. I'll eat later.
[ His gaze doesn't turn onto Fabian; he doesn't want the other to somehow peer into what's going on inside him. Aiming for a tone that's neutral, flat; like this is normal, like Fabian doesn't need to worry. Everything's fine, despite the way that Gorgug wants to break the bowl up between his hands or to throw it, or how much he wants to shrivel up into nothing.
But Gorgug can't do any of that, not in front of Fabian. He can't, but he needs-- he needs to get this ugliness away from him. ]
Please, [ follows, his head still not moving, his body not shifting. But there's a plea in his tone, one that he's trying to hold together. ]
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So even though Fabian instantly knows it's not that Gorgug is saying this with actual neutral feelings inside of him, he doesn't know what feelings are there. He doesn't know the exact reason Gorgug is saying this, and it sucks. Because there are plenty of reasons Fabian would feel the room for, especially if it might make his friend feel better, but there are also plenty of reasons that would only make him want to stick to the other even more closely.
But which is it? Does he just fuck up if he pushes too far in the wrong direction, whichever one that is? Fabian chews on the inside of his cheek, vaguely feeling the fatigue of the past months inside of him as he tries to work out the best thing to do here to help his friend.
He doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
Which means there's only one thing he can say here - still looking at Gorgug, no matter the fact that he isn't looking back at Fabian. ]
Why do you want me to leave?
[ Maybe it's a little too blunt. They usually don't do this whole 'talking about feelings' thing. Not really.
But it did help back when Fabian was sitting in that cold hospital hallway. So maybe it's something they should do, if not just so Fabian can make a more informed decision on what to do here. So he can do something without worrying and feeling like a fuck-up when it comes to helping his friend. ]
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The tears are coming, circling the lower rims of his eyelids. Gorgug blinks, and they blur his vision, and the swelling in his throat arrives soon after; and it's as he starts to move, to put that bowl aside, that he finally thinks to say anything. A voice half-trembling, its weak attempt to sound casual. ]
I don't feel very well--th-that's all.
[ But there's no hiding the truth. He sniffs, and he wipes at his face with the back of his sleeve, and he struggles to keep down the building emotion rising up from his gut. Hasn't he cried enough? He doesn't need to cry again, but his body refuses to agree with him, and Gorgug hangs his head into his hands with his elbows resting on the blankets. ]
Sorry, [ he manages to get out--not yet full out crying, but the sobs small, fresh.
Like he has a month of tears to catch up with. ]
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But at least it does bolster some determination in Fabian's heart. Because whereas he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not a moment ago, he's starting to quickly fall towards one specific direction now. ]
You can feel that way. [ He says - not even bothering to comment that Gorgug doesn't have to apologize to him, since Fabian feels like the apologizing is probably just going to be part of this for a while now. These are more apologies he's received from Gorgug than ever before, probably.
Fabian reaches out, a hand landing on Gorgug's arm, staying there as he speaks. ]
You can cry. Hell-- You can even get angry and yell, if you have to. Remember back in Moorecroft, when you told me that I hadn't fucked up forever, and that it wouldn't be a problem to you if I told you how I felt, and that you were there for me?
[ Maybe he didn't say it with exactly those words. Fabian isn't sure, really. It's the mood of that conversation that remains within him more than the specific words - especially when he hasn't sat down often with anyone like that before to just throw it all out there the way he did back then. ]
I feel the exact same way about you right now.
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He brushes the back of his hand over them again, sniffs up snot. Gorgug doesn't know if he said those things, but he doesn't question it, either: he accepts the point that Fabian is telling him, and Gorgug, he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. If he told a friend that, then he should be honest--even if honesty was the one thing he was trying to hide from.
Gorgug brings up his knees, but then slips them back down again. Twists the fabric of his sheets into his hands, a safer victim to his grip. ]
I feel bad, [ he admits--stated as simple as it is confessed. ] I feel bad about what I did.... I-I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be mad...
[ It's blubbering, but not as intense as it has been, his crying not getting as raw as it could. Being honest doesn't make it easier to stop the tears, but he's trying not to go for another round of wailing in front of Fabian, even if the other says it's okay. His body still feels tired, exhausted, and it feels bad to cry when the person he's crying over--wouldn't it only make Riz feel bad? Or, worst of all: wouldn't he find it pathetic? A waste?
Riz had to deal with more. Yet here Gorgug is, a mess. ]
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But this probably isn't the time. Gorgug has only just regained his senses. Everything is still clearly overwhelming to him. Stuff like that must still be too intricate, especially when his emotions are still so raw, when those tears keep flooding. ]
Then.. are you still tired?
[ Granted, Fabian was holding the other off from only sleeping earlier - but that was just because he didn't want Gorgug to isolate, to escape into some world by himself with all this on his shoulders. ]
If you scoot over a little, I'll stay here with you. [ And to indicate what he means by 'here', Fabian pats the bed - indicating that he's planning on getting in there with Gorgug. ] I can't lie and say it will necessarily fix everything, but-- I know I felt a lot better when we were napping together back in Moorecroft.
[ Even though Fabian obviously hadn't been through anything as bad as Gorgug.
But that place had still exhausted him. It had still dragged him down. And it taught him that sometimes the presence of another person can do a lot for you, as simple as it is.
And maybe it's a way for him to absolutely proof that he isn't afraid of Gorgug in the slightest, despite what transpired between them. Despite what Gorgug threatened him with. Despite what Gorgug did to Riz.
He's not someone to be afraid of. Fabian isn't afraid. ]
I suppose food can wait until after. [ Especially when Gorgug seems to feel this reluctant about eating, with all the emotions he's still dealing with. ]
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But Gorgug's more focused on what Fabian says before that. I'll stay here with you, tapping the bed and making it clear what he means. Gorgug's managed to hushed down his tears enough to bring them to small hiccups, and maybe it was Fabian himself who chased off the tears with that decision. Because Gorgug's staring at him wide-eyed, except for the times that a sniffle makes him blink.
He looks away from the other, not wanting to answer him. In truth: he's scared. If Fabian isn't afraid, then Gorgug is enough for the both of them, staring at the covers while being torn between his desire not to push Fabian away, and yet-- ]
...
...what if I hurt you?
[ His voice is small. He doesn't look at Fabian. And the possibility of it, the idea that he might lose control of himself and put his hands on Fabian in some way is--
Gorgug knows what it's like, to fight against himself and lose. What if he isn't better? What if this is just a fluke? ]
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